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Is there an US

An email I wrote what seems like years ago now... I had continued seeing someone on occasion and I'd finally had enough of the games.




As far as there being an "us"... it seems as though we're in a bit of a bind here. I mean, I wouldn't normally go out in lingerie to dinner with just anyone. I also wouldn't spend the night with someone that I'm just 'seeing'. It seems that every time we get together with the intention of talking, other things take place and we dont get very much talking done. Perhaps Bridget is right. Perhaps we're both being idiots. What ARE we doing? Maybe it's time we had a talk. You said that if there was an 'us' perhaps I should clue you in. Maybe there's a very good reason neither of us have a freaking clue here. What are we?? Best friends? Lovers? Aquaintances? Occasional companions? Ex's? Or are we even friends at all? You make jokes about how you still hate me. I dont believe that to be true at all... but then again...

We both need to wake up and get a clue. I moved out almost 5 months ago now. Of those 152 days, how often have you wanted to see me or invited me over? And how often have I dropped everything or canceled other plans to do that very thing? The answers - few, and often.

I dont want to sound cold or caloused here, as that is far from my intention... I just think it's about time we hash this out. We can do that in person, or we can do that here over email. It's your call. I think this needs to be settled before we make any other plans together. The last thing we need is to have either of us get our hearts wrapped around the other one again only to find out all we're doing is sleeping with each other occasionally. The results could be detrimental.

You know me well enough to know I'm passionate about things I care about. That would be why this sounds more like a moody rant than anything else, and I am sorry for that in advance. I'm passionate about you. I always have been.

Now for the ticking time bomb.
Are you seeing anyone else? Bridget perhaps? Is knowing that you may see me on occasion holding you back in any way from seeing anyone else? For a while it was keeping me back, but I finally started seeing someone. It's nothing serious, and he's not interested in exclusivity. He's been up front with me about that since the begining.

I dont ask these things because I want to reopen 5 month old wounds. I'm not telling you these things for that reason either. I want to be up front with you about all of it. I, like you, need to know where 'we' stand, if there is a we at all. I cant move things forward with you OR with anyone else for that matter until I know. It leaves us both in a very unfair situation, neither of us available to move on with either each other or someone else.

Sorry to have vented out like this. I never meant to, and I do hope you understand that. I also hope you understand where I'm coming from. This entire portion of the email (everything after the ~~) was meant to only be about a single paragraph long. I guess I had a lot in there I needed to get out. I suppose I could have summed this all up with a single sentance rather than typing out a novel for you to have to sift through.... "We Need To Talk" would likely have gotten my point across.

Get back to me when you can... I'll be here.

Amanda.

2001

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