Nobody knows what is in our minds or our hearts unless we choose to share it with them. To be told shortly after sharing such emotions or thoughts that it isn't at all true is unjust to the person sharing those thoughts as much as it is to the one listening with disbelieving ears. In the end, this can often be the downfall of a friendship and a severe crack in a foundation formed long ago.
I often don't try to defend myself anymore. I gave that up a long time ago. If people choose to think the worst of me, then so be it. It is for me to know who I am and what I want - not anyone else. Perhaps I'm set in my ways by this point, but I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone for any reason. I am who I am. I'm no saint, that's certainly for sure, but I'm not a bad person and I try to do what I feel in my heart I need to do at the time. I've made plenty of mistakes - and possibly the biggest one is not trying to defend myself.
I grew up being accused of things I had not done - which eventually drove me to do the things I had been accused of. If I were being punished for a crime which I did not commit, then I wanted to know what the crime was all about. Those were the basic foundations to loosing my virginity at 17 and smoking marijuana for the first time much later than most of my friends - let's say my late teens. I don't remember what year it was exactly, but I remember I didn't like it.
I go numb after a while of being accused of things I had not done or things I never intended to do. Once an issue has been brought to light, pounding it into my head does no good. I understand the problem. I've weighed in on the issue. Once I've said what I needed to say, I won't be changing my answers - ESPECIALLY to suit someone who isn't getting the answer they are looking for. People cry out for honesty, but when the truth is ignored - or worse, called a lie - then what is the point in discussing it further?
I remember sitting at the dinner table with my parents one night. They accused me of doing something I hadn't done. I went numb... for the first time ever. I went completely emotionally numb. I didn't get upset. I didn't cry. I didn't care if they yelled or screamed at me. I didn't care if they grounded me or took things away from me. It didn't hurt anymore. I sat there in stone silence and let their words pour over me like water. I knew I would find a towel and be able to brush it off shortly thereafter. I would be more than fine. I would be stronger against them and I would FINALLY understand that I didn't need to justify my actions to them or anyone else.
It was shortly after that day I came to a realization. We always have a choice in life. We can either do things our way or we can do what everyone else tells us to do. Even when a gunman holds a .45 to our heads, each of us out there in this vast world has a choice. We can either give the gunman the money or we can refuse. We might take the chance that the gunman would shoot us in the head if we don't, but who's to say he won't once we give him what he wants anyway? Even in the most desperate of situations, we ALL have a choice. I've made mine. I'm going to fight the gunman and live to see another day of sunshine.
Yeah, we've all made mistakes. Some of us (like me) more than others. I've told time and time again about how I wasn't an innocent in some of the insane stories I've lived through. I've made some REALLY bad choices, but I'm still a good person. I want the world to know that about me. I want YOU to remember that about me.
There is no such thing as escaping the past. It stays with us in memories and in the lives of those who became involved in various ways for all time. People often read too much into things. I guess that's why I don't trust anyone in the world 100% and probably never will. For some reason people often choose to think the worst of me. If I do or say something, then something else about me can't possibly be true. Well, I am who I am, take me or leave me. If you ask me a question, I expect you to stick around for the answer - and not tell me that what I think is crap or not true.
So good luck with that complex of yours, World. I don't need to defend myself against anybody. I shouldn't need to. I'm no saint, but neither are you.