I lay in bed wide awake far longer than usual this morning. My head and stomach were doing the same number of revolutions inside me per second and I knew there was no way I was going to get back to sleep.
I'm a bad person. I've been a bad person for a long time. I pretend to want to tell the whole world who I am with my blogged emotions and whimsical stories - but if anyone were to ever go through my life as it pertains to the internet, if they were to go through old emails and messages, they would only find a sad, horrible, cold and heartless person with no sense of self worth or courage. Don't get me wrong, I'm very good at pretending like I do. I learned that trick early on. After all, with everything I went through all these years, I either adapt to be a peacock or an ostrich. I didn't relish the idea of having sand in my mouth, so instead I decided to make myself bigger and more colorful so maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be attacked anymore. It was all a vain atempt at self-preservation I'm afraid.
To look at me walking down the street, you would probably think I was just an average person. I probably work and eat and sleep and think like all the other average people on the planet. Well let me tell you that is far from true. It's no wonder I've never liked a single photo of my face. If any of them ever did show who I really was inside, the photo would be black with hurt and rage and emptiness for the things people have done to me in the past. I thought for a while that it would make me feel better to do the same thing to others - get a bit of my own back - but in the end all it did was serve to destroy me further. What I did to others actually destroyed me more than what anyone else ever did to me. My self-preservation became self-destruction.
I'm not a good person. I really don't know if I ever have been. I wish I were. I wish i could change things. I have always said there isn't enough time in life for regrets, but that was yet another form of self-preservation. If I ever sat down long enough to think about all the horrible things I've done in my life I would undoubtedly regret my entire existance, starting at around age 4 or so.
I have only a small number of blogs to write before this project is finally finished, and when I started this project it was with the goal in mind that I was going to finish something for once in my life. I will finish this blog, and I'm sure the last few stories will be the whimsical tales you've come to enjoy reading, but once the blog project is done, so am I.