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Be Patient

For those who have been reading and asking others about my blog, I want you to stay tuned. Questions will be answered very soon, and in enough detail to squash any doubt or further questions. At this present moment in time, the blog isn't ready for that, as there are a few people who need to be told in person first. In time, I will share it with everyone the best way I know how - through pouring my heart into my words here on my blog.

So, as I said, stay tuned. You will all be up to date soon. It's not an easy story to tell, so be patient.

Weight of My World

I am mentally exhausted and yet I can not sleep.

It's amazing how quickly life can change. I once heard it said that life is what happens when something else is planned. Boy, is that ever true.

I've seen changes in many directions since the spring of 2009, but never in my life has it had such an impact on my mental state or emotions. I find myself drained - lacking all motivation or drive, wondering what's going to happen, knowing that my entire life hangs in the balance, resting comfortably in the hands of someone other than me.

I have nobody to blame but myself. I put myself in this situation. But I can't hang in the balance too much longer. I MUST do something about this, and I will.

I've always been a strong person, even when I didn't know it. It took a precious friend to point that out to me recently, and I can't thank her enough for that. I always find that I have that fire in my belly when I need it most ,and I know when the time comes it will return full force. I've done and seen enough in this life to know how to survive with nothing but the clothes on my back, and though I really wouldn't want to ever be there again, I know I would pull through it just fine as I always have before.

I often wonder if I was ever really meant to be happy. While I often screw things up for myself and I have a long history of poor choices, I've also been known to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I've had it all, only to have it pulled out from under me like a Persian rug. I've given up so very, very much, only to get very little in return. I've been promised the world and denied everything but food and shelter in the same breath.

I've been too trusting, too patient, too loving and too generous. Well, I just don't seem to learn. Time and time again I find myself wondering what I've done wrong and what I've done so bad in my life to end up feeling like this, feeling like my whole world is crumbling around me, crushing me under the weight of the world. It's not the first time I've found myself wondering what's going to happen to me.

I have an enormous weight on my shoulders right now and I can NOT lift it on my own - YET. I can feel that strength bubbling up, but right now it hasn't even gotten past my calf muscles. I know, without a doubt, that by the time the fire bubbles to my finger tips, I will have all the strength I need to hurl that weight off my shoulders and straight to the moon.

It's not here yet, but it's not long in coming. When it gets here - look out world - THE REDHEAD WILL BE BACK IN ACTION.

Him

I love him like I love oxygen.
I need him like I need food.
I want him like I want a warm blanket on a cold day.
I fear him like I fear a new born puppy.
I'm lost without him.

I know I'm going to miss him
For the rest of my life.

Tired

Tired of hunger
Tired of pain
Tired of feeling
Like I'm going insane.

Tired of this
Tired of that
Tired of falling
Face down and flat.

Tired of screaming
Alone in the night
Tired of emotions
Of being ruled by my fright.

Tired of not knowing
What's to happen to me
Tired of feeling
I can't ever just "be".

Tired of being
Lost and alone
Tired of feeling
There's no one at home.

Tired of plans
Being made all around
Things that involve me
Yet I hear not a sound.

Tired of being
Slowly broken down
Tired of not feeling
Like I'm wanted around.

I'll not put pressure
On someone like this.
If love can't be given,
It's me he'll miss.

I'm tired of tears
Stinging my eyes,
Tired of feeling
I've been fed lies.

Tired of knowing
What is to come
Wishing some way
It could be undone.

Tired of living
Tired of dying
Wanting to know
Am I staying, or flying?

Can't take it much more
Going out of my mind!
What I wouldn't give
To not leave them behind.

It's not been so fair
To me since day one.
How much can I take -
Before I'm just DONE.

Tired of hunger
Tired of pain
Tired of feeling
Like I'm going insane.

The Direction of Hope

Came across this poem and thought I would share it...



Sitting in an all too public place
Smoking a cigarette and thinking.

If words were railroad ties
I would have plenty to say.
If wishes were trains
They would be but a minute away.
If hope were a direction
I would be on my way.

I'm just watching the people
Travel here and there;
Wondering where they're bound.
The train whistle blows
But I can't hear a sound;
Except your voice
Echoing all around.


Plans may change,
But people rarely do.
I put all
My faith in you.
You've let me down...
Now what do I do?

Sitting in an all too public place
Smoking my last cigarette and thinking.

If words were railroad ties
I'd have plenty to say.
If wishes were trains
They'd be just a minute away.
If hope were a direction
I'd be on my way.

If hope were a direction
I'd be on my way.
If I still had hope,
I'd be ok.

~Amber Montgomery