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Understanding

I'm a romantic soul. I always have been.


I like to be appreciated, told that I'm pretty even when I don't think I am, hold hands and cuddle. I like to be treated nicely and thanked for the little things I do. I purchase gifts for people I love. I would spend every dime on someone else rather than myself. All I ask in return is not to be forgotten. I hate the idea of being forgotten.

I've been a good person in my life. I've had my moments, but we all have. I'm infinitely patient and kind, I hate arguing and any sort of confrontation. I can't STAND being lectured to about something I've done. I hate being told "I told you so" by anyone. I don't like being told I'm not good enough or that I'm a failure.

I don't think that's too much to ask, is it?

In the name of love and love alone, I've hurt several people. To those people, I'm very sorry.

I never wanted to hurt anyone - but when it came down to it, I finally wised up. I don't think the people in Scotland will ever speak to me again, but they are his family, not mine. It's to be expected. It broke my heart to sever ties, but I knew it had to be done. They were good to me, but I'm not the permanent fixture in their lives. He's just down the street from them. I was the outsider. I didn't feel like an outsider when I was there, but I have since I left.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm me. I'll always be me. I can't and wont change for anyone. I was myself when I was there and everyone seemed to genuinely like me and enjoy my company. Now it's all a distant memory, with everyone angry at me, thinking I'm a horrible person I'm sure. I wouldn't pity the man who did this to me, and for that I've been punished in a most horrendous way. I lost what I thought was my family.

Part of me will never forgive myself. Part of me will never forgive him. But to the rest of the family, there's nothing to forgive. I understand. It hurts, but I understand. That may not mean anything at the moment, but months or even years from now it will. Just know that I understand.

I only hope that some of the friends I left damaged in my wake can be half as understanding and forgiving as I have been with his family.



2 comments:

  1. And I am glad you are you. I know I wouldn't want it any other way. As to friends you have hurt can't speak on that, as you have always been an Angel to me. Though I am sorry I have not always been the friend I should to you. =)

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  2. I don't know the entire story (nor is it any of my business), but from what I have read it doesn't sound as though you did anything except try to love the man who manipulated you into getting rid of all your posessions, job, etc. You then flew to a strange place (very far away) where he thought you would be entirely dependent upon him, all for him to get you there and treat you like crap.

    Not many women would be willing to do that for a man. You sacrificed everything for him and the sake of love, only to be betrayed, mistreated and sent home with nothing. How cruel is that??

    Why would he be angry at you, but especially why would his family feel anger toward you? Unless of course he filled their heads with lies in order to make himself appear innocent in what ever went wrong.

    I don't see that you owe any of them an apology, not from what I have read anyway. I know you must feel heart broken and it is good to know you are trying hard to move forward. From reading your blog I am guessing it has been about a year since you went to Scotland. I don't know how you stood it as long as you did.

    Always remember this.....LOVE isn't supposed to hurt. If it is causing heartache and pain, it isn't really love. Someone who really loves you will not continually hurt you or be abusive. Of course in every relationship there will be ups and downs, but not unending gut wrenching pain. Best Wishes!

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