I refuse to live my life in fear.
I went into the underground for a while, even changed my name, because of what one evil person did to me. I will NOT live like that. I'm a strong person. Nothing can keep me down. So, I'm back. I'm stronger than ever. I will survive and thrive in the face of adversity, just as I have always done.
I'm hungry. I'm hungry for better things and a better life. I'm hungry for hope and strength and a ladder to climb. And I'm hungry for food.
Things are tight for me right now. So tight in fact that I have a bank account in the teens and $5 in my wallet. But I'm surviving just the same. I have friends and family who love me and support my decisions. What else could I need? What more could I want?
It's after 12:30 on a Sunday and I'm still in my pajamas, still in bed. For a while I wondered if it was because I was perhaps depressed. I thought about it and no, that's not it at all. I have no money and nowhere to go, so why bother getting up? I'm relaxed! This is the first weekend I've had completely to myself in more than a year now and it feels great to just do what I want to do when I want to do it. If that includes staying in bed until after noon, then so be it.
I have so much to share still.
I know for a while it looked like my blog was gone... but I didn't have the heart to erase it as I had originally planned. I had put so much work and love into my writing. I couldn't get rid of it. In a world where I have lost everything more than once (three times in two years in fact), my writing is about the only thing I've been able to keep safe. Erasing it all would be a bigger setback than I was willing to put myself through.
They say what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. With what I've lived through so far, I'm beginning to wonder if I can ever die. I just keep going no matter what. I keep surviving.
I doubt I will ever have that fairy tale happy ending we all search for, and I am finally ready to say that I am perfectly ok with that. If I die an old maid, I'll just have lots of fun along the way. Life is here to enjoy. I'm not going to be like Elizabeth Taylor - always searching for that perfect love and never finding it. There is no such thing as the "perfect love" and when we find something we think might very well be, the curtains suddenly get yanked back and we find that the Wizard of Oz is just a squeaky little guy pulling strings and blowing smoke. I came close once... REAL close. I doubt I'll ever find anything better than that was back then with Pete, but when my love life was in harmony, nothing else in my life was. My job sucked. I didn't have a career really. It went from bad to worse until finally Pete and I came to an end. I never got over Pete, though I've done well (off and on) since then with jobs and careers. But I've learned something out of this...
Just when I think I can get close to someone, just when I think I can love someone, the curtain gets yanked back and I see them for who they really are - and I sever all ties. If I can just dismiss someone with the wave of my hand like that, then they really weren't an anchor in my life to begin with. There are so few in this world I'd never be able to just dismiss so easily... THOSE people are what make me strong. They are the souls protecting my heart. They are the ones who get me through each day, just knowing they are there and that they love me. They support me. They don't try to talk me out of decisions I've made to better myself. They're never negative to me. They simply support me and cheer me on. THAT IS LOVE. It's not a romantic sort of love I need, but the love my friends and family have shown me since I arrived back on American soil June 20th of this year.
Forget romance. Forget infatuation. Forget heartache. Forget drama. Forget it all... what's left?
I need nothing more than that.
Oh... and my writing.