I took the boss' niece to dinner and a beer to watch the Laker's game the other day. It just so happens that she and I have the same first name and we get along pretty well. That's a first for me. I usually don't get along with other Amanda's.
Somehow we got on the discussion of love and emotion... and sadly I realized something about myself. While I'm good at putting on a brave face and being sweet to just about everyone I meet, the reason I'm so incredibly patient is because I turn off my emotions MOST of the time. That's not to say that I don't have a heart, because I clearly do if it can be so broken so often. I guess it's a survival thing for me. I've learned over the years to completely disconnect myself from my emotions, so that they have no ruling factor in my life, either positive or negative.
In the beginning it was a defense against the negative - to tune out and disconnect from the negativity I was going through as a teenager. After having my heart broken so many times, I began to start ignoring even the positive emotions in order to block any possibility of falling in love too quickly only to have my heart dashed upon the rocks at the bottom of a cliff. I think eventually I became too accustomed to locking my heart away. I was just far too disconnected emotionally.
Now it's a safety net. When I start to feel emotions for anyone, I hide, both figuratively and literally depending on the situation. The same goes for fear, love, hate, compassion and pitty. The emotions are turned off and I feel nothing from then on. It really is like flipping a light switch.
I try hard to be a good person, but how can I be a good person if I feel as though I don't have a heart? I laugh at the snide or rude comments I get on my blog from one particular source. The comments are deleted and I feel nothing for them. I cut people out of my life as one would a cancer, quickly and painlessly. I feel nothing for them from that day forward.
A few special people can walk right through the walls I've built, but once they have destroyed that friendship or relationship, I find myself done with them entirely. I put on a good face and act friendly, but those relationships will never be the same again.
The fact that I find it so easy to distance myself emotionally from people I had otherwise been close to frightens even me, and that's one emotion I can't hide from at the moment because I'm facing it head on and coming up against a brick wall.
I'm not on the verge of disappearing as I have in the past. I'm not going to shut down my blog again or stop writing. I'm just reassessing a few thing about myself right now and trying to analyze why I'm like this. What happened in my life that was so bad I felt it was necessary to close myself off like this? Am I a bad person because of this personality flaw? Is it a flaw? Or is it just a learned defense?
I am a broken person.