In the past I've been told that I can be very self-centered and self serving, forgetting to put the needs of others before the desires of self. I suppose it must be true, since it was someone who truly loved me at the time who told me that. Now, looking back, I realize how right they were. To some degree I suppose it's still true of me. I started to wonder why I would be like that, since I've always prided myself on being a compassionate and generous person. Apparently, that's the general consensus from my friends - when I remember them.
Why? Why would someone generous and compassionate also be so self-serving?
I suppose it's because of how I grew up. I'm not talking about my early childhood, or even teen years. I was extremely sheltered and harbored. If I wanted something outside of the realm of that which was thought to be "normal" in our household, I had to get it myself. Yet, for as many birthdays as I could remember, all of my birthday money was always spent on Christmas gifts for others. That's not what a selfish person does. However, a self-serving person would share this fact in order to not feel so selfish.
I suppose I tend to be so self-serving because I've been so alone for so long. If I want something, I have to get it myself, and I'm just stubborn enough to get tunnel vision until I do. Sometimes this tunnel vision means I forget birthdays and anniversaries, important messages and more. I miss details I would normally never let pass me by.
Recently a very special friend stopped talking to me for a few days and I'm wondering now if I somehow developed tunnel vision without thinking about it and missed some sort of detail. I've since tried cracking jokes and poking fun, but it seems nothing has worked and I'm still receiving no responses. Have I forgotten a birthday or anniversary?
At first I thought "I've done nothing wrong" but since this morning my tone has changed a bit. Knowing me, I probably did do something and I'm too oblivious to know it. So this, my readers and friends, is a public apology for whatever it was in May or may no have done, and my open plea to please let me know what it was (or wasn't) that I did (or didn't do).
Sorry, Greg. I just wish I knew what it was.