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Insured? HA!!

What good is insurance if you still end up owing thousands of dollars in medical expenses?

I guess getting that diagnosis is out for a few more years. I'll need to make at least twice what I make now to continue with all the testing. I'll have my credit destroyed by then with these bills I can't afford to pay now. 

That's the absolute LAST time I go to the doctor under the misguided assumption that I'll be better off if I do. 

What a freaking JOKE. 

Wish I hadn't spent all that money I had (and I do mean ALL of it is gone) on Christmas presents for people now. Next year I'm not buying a damn thing for anyone. 

But, there's a possibility that my request for government assistance (food stamps) won't be denied. 


According to Google, the word "Flat" is to be defined basically as an even surface.

In the United Kingdom and a few other places, a "Flat" is another word for an apartment.

Here in the USA, it's quite often preceded by the word "Broke" especially in my latest conversations.

It's the first of the year.  It's the time to start things off on a positive note.  Supposedly this sets the tone for the other 364 days to follow.

But stupid me - I spent all my money on Christmas presents this year and didn't save any for rent.

So while I'm trying to pay for my "Flat" I discover that I'm FLAT Broke!

I've been going over things in my head and on paper for hours.  I have no idea how I'll make it.  I need a second job, I guess, but I'm already so tired all the time I have no idea how I'll stay awake - and where would I find ANY second job that would ever be willing to work with the insane schedule I have at the airline!  Maybe it's time to rethink my career.

So as I try to calm myself from the virtual melt down I had less than 30 minutes ago (thank goodness I live alone) I've heated a can of beans I've had so long they were about to expire in February.  I didn't realize canned beans EVER expired.  Well, they aren't great, I'll tell you.  But they're free.  Not free, exactly, since I paid for them two years ago, but free in the sense that I don't have to spend money I don't have for my one meal of the day.

Now, I'm not THAT bad off.  I could afford to go buy eggs and bread if I desperately needed to, but if I can't afford my rent (due today) then obviously I need to save every penny possible to afford my rent when the time comes that I get another paycheck on the 7th.  Of course, by then I will owe a late fee of an extra $25, and I would probably spend more than that at a grocery store right now - so I'd rather eat my one can of beans and forgo the grocers in preparation of the difficult days ahead.

All my life I've heard the saying about never counting your chickens before they're hatched.  Yet, I find myself sitting here mentally kicking myself for depending on someone else as long as I did.  Eventually things run dry.  They always do.  People get tired of me or they decide that I'm not good enough for them or I'm not giving them everything they demand for their investment (that's what I am, you know... I'm just an investment like a fancy car or a 'flat' with an ocean view) I'm suddenly not a human being with emotions, needs, desires or concerns.  I'm an investment that's not longer paying off.  Screw that!

So here I am, regretting those chickens and eggs, wondering how I'll repair the basket I kept them all in, wishing I were more than just a bought and paid for commodity to others. 


I'd rather be homeless first. 

The boys already have somewhere to go.  I made arrangements for them a few years ago.  And the woman I call my sister will take exceptionally good care of them, I know.  So even if I end this first month of 2015 living in my car, I have free parking at the airport and a free couch to crash on (sometimes) in the crew lounges across the country. 

Homeless might not be so bad for me.  Of course it means selling my stuff off except a few overnight outfits and my work uniforms, but I've been living out of a suitcase for 2 years now already.  Why not make the full transition?

If I'm going to be flat, I might as well make it stylish.


Flat Definition
adj. adjective
  1. Having a smooth, even surface.
    a flat field.
  2. Having a relatively broad level surface in relation to thickness or depth.
    a flat box.
  3. Being in horizontal position; lying down.
    flat on his back.
adv. adverb
  1. Level with the ground; horizontally.
  2. On or up against a flat surface; at full length.
  3. So as to be flat.
n. noun
  1. A flat surface or part.
  2. A stretch of level ground.
    salt flats.
  3. A shallow frame or box for seeds or seedlings.

I'm Getting Older

There comes a time to let go.

Happy Birthday to me.

"It's just a sign I'm getting older."

I am giving up one of my dreams today
I found out I can't always get my way
And sometimes a dream isn't worth what you pay
So I'm giving up one of my dreams today
When we are children we look to the sky
We want everything, I'm afraid to ask why

And I saw the sparkling fish in the sea
I dreamed I would find one who'd swim next to me
And this called love and it's worth every reason
Love is the cool and the warmth in each season
But how does one love and what does one do
When the the dream that you have doesn't want to pick you
But oh oh don't cry for me

It's just one dream less on my shoulder
And oh oh dad says giving up dreams is just a sign I'm getting older
He was a stoner and I'm like a light
And when he would blaze id sing songs by his side
But my dream takes two strong hearts that will fight
And he doesn't dream, he just sleeps at night
And oh oh don't cry for me

It's just one dream less on my shoulder
And oh oh dad says giving up dreams, is just a sign I'm getting older
Oh they say to much smoking will change your taste
Maybe that's why he's kissing another girls face
But I never dreamed of second place
So I'd rather just quit than continue to race
And oh oh don't cry for me

It's just one dream less on my shoulder
And oh oh dad says giving up dreams is just a sign I'm getting older
And oh oh oh I am singing on stage
But it doesn't mean I know much better

Oh oh oh oh
You're probably like me

Some days dreaming and some days a quitter
I am giving up one of my dreams today
After I held him and begged him to stay
And after my dream will drown out to a whisper
After I've burnt all the photo booth pictures

And after I erased our names from the sky
Stopped wondering how and asking why
Oh I wish I had words to encourage inspire
But the truth is I'm ripped and I'm sad and I'm tired
I'm a loser in love and an abandoner of dreams
And today I gave up the one for him, and me