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The Wheel that Guides Me

I have to admit that I had my heart broken many times. Although, I've also done a lot of heartbreaking. I do strongly believe in karma these days, and if that's the case, it's no wonder relationships haven't seemed to really work out for me. 

I've met some interesting people, I have fallen in love, and I have walked away. I've stood nose to nose with those I fear and told them I wasn't afraid. I've cowered down before those I did not fear only because I feared myself.   I stood up for myself, and I haven't.   I have fought for myself and I haven't.  I have fought to get what I wanted, and refused to fight in order to keep it. 

NO MORE!! If the men and women of our Armed Forces can go and fight for our right to live as we do, the least I can do is fight to keep what I have. 

I recently met a really great guy.  I don't know if there's a future.  It's too early to tell. But if there is a possibility, he is worth fighting for. I don't know if he's found my blog yet or not, but if he has, maybe he's reading this now.   Maybe he knows I'm talking about him.  Maybe he will send me a text message to ask if its him I'm talking about. In the back of his mind he will already know.  And he will know by reading this that I think he's worth fighting for. 

I used to put all of my hopes and dreams into every relationship I was in.  Early on we would discuss the future and our dreams together.  After so many times of being so broken, I stopped thinking about my future as being a possibility for more than just me. I went from putting all of my hopes and dreams into a "happily ever after" to putting all of my focus into learning how to be alone. For the last several relationships, I saw no future.  I saw no possibilities. I even discussed that with some of my friends.   So, when those relationships ended, no one was surprised. They may have been surprised at HOW they ended, but not THAT they ended. In essence, I went from one extreme to the other.

Now, I don't know what the future holds. I'm not planning on putting all of my dreams into somebody else, but I'm also not planning on fighting the good fight for the rest of my life completely alone.  I don't know what will happen. But I'm willing to go along for the ride. I'm willing to see where it takes me. 

I've always been a planner. I've always planned several steps ahead.   Apparently life doesn't work that way. That was a really hard lesson to learn. But it's worth learning, if it means there is still hope for each of us out there. There is still hope that each princess will find her prince. There is still hope that each maiden will find her knight. But there is also the never ending question of what to do if we end up all alone in the end. 

I've been face-to-face with a few surprises lately, one of them was a rather big surprise that I took in my stride.  But that one big surprise taught me multiple valuable lessons all at once.  These are lessons I thought I had already learned, but apparently I needed a refresher course. And what a refreshing reminder it's been. I have loved every second of it.  

So I won't plan to find the future, and I won't plan on having one alone. I'm going to go along for the ride and enjoy the ride as I do. That's what life is truly about, and so far the surprises I've had only increased the value of my life. Lets just see where it goes. 

After all, I'm not the one steering the vehicle. Those aren't my hands on the wheels. ;)


Standing in line at the airport to buy a pack of skittles and the handsome man  in line in front of me says...

"Are you just getting those skittles?"

"Uh huh."

"I got it."

He snatched them out of my hand before I could protest and paid for them. The he handed them back to me and walked away.

I have NEVER had something like that happen to me! He didn't ask for my phone number, he didn't ask for my name. He just paid for my purchase and waked away.  

Perhaps I'm finally accumulating some good karma. 

After my gallant rescue by my knight in shining armor yesterday, it's starting to seem that way. 

Fwd: Artwork

Earlier today I sent this email to someone I know. I believe it to be possibly the best explanation I've ever been able to give as to why I no longer focus on my drawing as much as I once did.

Begin forwarded message:

Date: May 19, 2013, 10:29:54 PDT
Subject: Artwork

The picture attached to this email is not a photograph. This is actually a scanned image of my own original artwork. I specialize in photo realism with colored pencils. If you look closely at the lower right-hand corner of the piece, you will see my signature.  This is a portrait of my hero, Audrey Hepburn, in the movie My Fair Lady. It took approximately a week to finish this piece, and it was only 8 x 10.

Below that is a black-and-white image of Audrey Hepburn from the movie Charade. It's nothing more than black and white pencil on gray paper.  Again, my signature can be found on the piece, but in this one it is dead center on the bottom.  My signature obviously changed between the two.

The last one down is probably the best representation of my signature for an era. The horses name was Mysterian. She was very sweet mare at the horse farm where I worked when I was 19 years old. In fact, even though the date is quite a bit later than that, I originally began drawing this piece back when I worked at the horse farm.

The last one down I call stargazer. I saw a photo once in the magazine that I very much liked, and I thought it would make a statement.  So, I found a black piece of paper and drew this within 20 minutes or less.   A couple of years later, I painted this onto a black necktie and donated it to charity. It was a project for the place I was working at for that time. It brought in the most amount of money for charity of any item my company sold that year.

Many people tell me that I am wasting a gift by not continuing with my drawing. I don't see it that way. Yes, I did enjoy it. Yes, I made money doing it. I imagine i probably would still enjoy it now, but I was not happy with being tied up on the commercial end of things. Selling it for charity is one thing. Selling my works of my art for the mere commercial aspect of selling art never appealed to me - And I honestly feel that my true talent is in my writing.  As much as people think I excel at artwork, I didn't have the passion for it that I have for writing.

Any or 2009, I was in the middle of moving when my U-Haul was stolen with everything I ever owned inside it. Every single one of these pieces except the black-and-white Audrey Hepburn were inside.  I had already sold that piece. I will never see them again, and I think that dealt a far more crushing blow to my artistic psyche than I realized.  

These days, if I can't store it in my heart or online, it has little value to me.   I can't seem to keep things in my hands. It's happened several times - things have all been taken away from me. I can't take anything with me anymore. You can't take it with you when you die.   

Having lost so much of my hard work, my love of my own art, it really hurt. I eventually got over it, but having lost absolutely everything so many times now, i just learned not to put that much value in physical things. My artwork is nothing more than a physical thing.

The Mid-air Almost

We were nearly in a mid-air collision last night....

It felt like getting to the top of a roller coaster and starting to go down. My back side lifted off the seat and my stomach went straight up to my throat. But I wasn't scared. If the first officer had not been a fast thinker and an experienced pilot, I probably would not be alive right now. I don't really have a flair for dramatics, and I tend to tell things as they are. But, sitting in the position that I'm in right now, I realize that I am lucky to be alive.

Think about this: if the pilot of the other plane had decided to dive the same moment we had, we still would have ended up in midair collision. The fact is, air traffic control had us on the wrong course, and nobody knew what was going on. The two planes could not communicate with one another because they were on different radio frequencies. Neither one knew what the other was doing, air traffic control was not communicating properly, and the whole thing was just a huge mess.

We had to dive to avoid the other plane - we were doing about 300knotts, or 380mph, and the other plane was going nearly the same speed at us - so there would have been nothing left!! We dove to avoid the other plane, but then had to shoot straight back up to avoid crashing into the mountain! It was an extremely narrow miss.

I was in the very front of the airplane at the time and I couldn't help but notice just about everyone on the plane grabbed a hold of their hand rails for dear life. It was a wild ride, and one I would prefer not to repeat now that I know what it was all about.

I fly with some of the best pilots in the business - and I thanked my lucky stars for that last night.