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This blog has been removed. If you're interested in reading the original first hand account of the kidnapping, please check out th...
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I wanted to crawl back under the covers and hide. I wanted to cry myself to sleep, but sleep had already eluded me for the last 7 hours I&... -
On my way to work this morning I heard a song that reminded me of my childhood. The singer mentioned something about calloused hands and I ...
Two and a half hours have gone by. 76 people have viewed this blog. I've not gotten one response. Interesting.
ReplyDeleteI think people aren't responding because they dont know what to say. I know I don't. Always know I love you. Always.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right, Aunt Debbie. I wasn't sure exactly what I expected, but I suppose "dubfounded" is a good word for what I ended up with. I don't want sympathy from anyone... just an understanding of who I have become because of my past.
ReplyDeleteI'm probably one of the very few who had heard any of this tale before. I knew of the trauma, if not all of the details. Still, even with the advance knowledge, seeing the history unfold in writing is a shock. I'm glad you're putting it out there. You needed the catharsis of the telling of it, I think. Remember there are those who genuinely care about you. Always.
ReplyDeletePW - Though I'm straining my brain and cant come up with the name your initials are trying to bring up from the recesses of my memory, your comment has gone down in my personal book of the very best compliments I've ever been given.
ReplyDeleteOutstanding!! Dumbfounded is right. I love-hated this story. It was captivating and unbelievable, yet I KNOW it is true. You are an amazing person. :)
ReplyDeleteReally? How 'bout a limerick?
ReplyDeleteWho I am really should not be
All that much of a mystery.
A look at your watch
May give you a clue.
Though the name there is not PW.
I'm glad to have been added to your personal book once again.
Ahh! Yes!
ReplyDeleteThank you...
It's nice to have you back. The power of your comment hasn't lost any of it's overwhelming effect, even though I now know who left it. Thank you again. You always had a way with words - and limericks.
Vicki - Thank you!
ReplyDeleteIt's certainly one that deserved to be told, though it's taken me a long time to manage actually sitting down and doing it. Many times I've been told this would be an amazing movie - but honestly, my whole life is a series of movies, or at least a 7 season syndicated TV series. Whether it's a drama or comedy has yet to play out.
Amanda --
ReplyDeleteYou are very brave. I too am a victim of a kidnapping and rape. You have a lot of courage posting your story. It was only when I wrote my story down that I was able to move past it. My nightmare happened in Miami 1999 when I was twenty. When you said "blinding flashes of torture and rage surged through my body" it really struck home. For years I had a hard time thinking about the exact details. Then something funny happened. My boyfriend insisted that I write everything down. At first I thought he was being a perv, wanting to know every detail, but you know what, writing it down allowed me to sort of pour it out of myself and move past it. That boyfriend and I are no longer together but him insisting I share even the most disgusting details with him was what I needed to move past it. I had nightmares before and certain things triggered horrible memories. After I wrote it down, the nightmares started to visit me less. It's been four years since I wrote it all down and the nightmares are gone.
You are a very good writer so I can tell there are details you haven't let yourself write yet. I know it seems weird but if you keep being brave and write them down, you'll be very glad you did. Even if you don't want to share it on your blog you should write down what this Adam bastard did to you. If you're like me it will really help.
Carol -
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your words of encouragement. Once upon a time I did write the details out in order to clear my mind. I needed all of the worst bits out there somewhere so they weren't trapped in my head, bouncing from one wall to the other. Unfortunately it was all hand written. Last July during a move, my U-haul was stolen with the book safely inside. That will eventually be in a subsequent blog.
I commend you for coming forward with your story. He was right, your ex-boyfriend. It does very much help to write the story down. That's actually what started my whole writing adventure to begin with many years ago.
You're right, there are many details that haven't been shared here. That's because many people have access to this blog, including children who don't need to know that many details. The fact that people know and understand what happened is enough for me. They can feel the pain. My family, at long last, knows what I've been through.
When I clicked on your name I was hoping to be transported to a blog that perhaps you were writing. You're obviously well educated and have a clear thought process. I'd love to read some of your stories sometime. Something I've learned in my travels is that everyone has a story or two within them. All anyone really needs is someone interested enough to listen.
I just finished reading this... I'm not sure why you aren't getting more comments except for the fact that your story is deeply, viscerally terrifying, all the more so for being true.
ReplyDeleteI'm also hopeful the bastards who treated you so horribly got what they deserved!
Reading this, the one thing I didn't understand is what happened to turn your grandmother away from you. It's implied that she felt betrayed but it wasn't clear why.
MartyMac - may I ask how you found my blog? I'm very pleased that you enjoyed my writing. TY?!
ReplyDeleteMy Grandmother was a very confused woman at the time. She was going through some medical issues and was on heavy medication - which I did not know until years later. The confusion YOU feel at not knowing why she did what she did is exactly what I felt back then.
She (like myself) has never been very close to the family, for a myriad of reasons. I've not spoken with her much since then and I hear she's in ailing health now from a family member that hasn't seen her since the 1950's and whom I've never met in person.
I wish her no harm and harbor no ill will toward any living soul, especially her. I've learned (often the hard way) how to handle life and all it can throw at me through sheer determination, often severely hard work and perseverance. Until recently I never knew that she was the same exact way. She was a survivor, just like I am. Much of who I am can be directly contributed to my Ancestors, whether I knew it or not.
As you stated, "I had been used, betrayed and manipulated into hurting my Grandmother." Yet in light of your comment here, it sounds like it wasn't you at all but her and whatever issues she might have had that led to that (poorly timed) parting of ways.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog via the usual random walk that seems to tie the world together these days...:
I read an article on Gizmodo about life imitating Tetris:
http://gizmodo.com/5556381/life-imitating-tetris
It linked to a Flicker group of the same name:
http://www.flickr.com/groups/1428856@N21/pool/page4/
Amongst these photos there was one from you:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/amandatory/2671820287/in/pool-1428856@N21
Curious, I clicked further:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/amandatory
Which eventually led to your blog here.
(That reminds me, I should update my own blog sometime...)
Interesting story, I'm sorry this happened to you and am glad you have grew stronger from it. I found the link to your blog on Sutori and glad I came and finished the story
ReplyDeleteYou're one strong lady! God bless!
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazingly, strong willed, tough chic. We never know what and how we would react in any situation until we are put there. I pray those bastards got what they deserved.
ReplyDeleteAs scarey as it was to read, you have to have one hell of an amazing angel watching over you. God bless you!
as well as sheer determination
I could never see myself as amazing. I reserve that title for the people who spend their life time helping others. There's one particular person out there I admire above most others because of the work she has done in not only Third World countries but in our own nation to save young children from slavery. The only reason I had the determination to survive is because I knew that there was A good life out there waiting for me. The children that my hero rescues have never known what it's like to have a good life. When I escaped, I hated myself for not going back for the others. Now, thanks to this hero of mine, I have the ability to find me go back and reach out a hand for someone who was left behind.
ReplyDeletePlease feel free to check out https://www.ourrescue.org in your free time and find out what the amazing people of Operation Underground Railroad are doing to rescue children trapped in the world of sex trafficking.
Join the cause and be a voice with us. Help save others and be a voice of hope. I certainly can't wait to go on my first journey with this group.
Thank you for coming by and reading my blog. :)
I can't imagine what you were thinking. Why wouldn't others help you, why did this Jenny not see what was going on? I wonder if she was one who was tortured and brain washed. I feel for you and pray that writing it out has brought some peace. I see this several years old. I found this on pinterest of all places.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous:
DeleteWhat was I thinking? I was thinking that I was a scared, alone 19 year old kid who had been sheltered her whole life and made to think the world didn't care about me and I was the reason why. Anytime someone didn't like me or would pick on me at school my mother would always tell me that I was the "common denominator" and that people didn't like me because of who I was. It was obviously my fault... right? Thankfully I learned what a load of crap that was some years later.
I admire your strength and will to fight and not be just another statistic......Thank you for sharing your story. Thanks for being the voice of so many other women who don't possess your strength but have lived a similar story. Love that you OWN your story ..You OWN your past and now you Own your future....
ReplyDeleteHow could I not "own" my story? It has served it's purpose of turning me into the human being I am today. In fact, the lesson I just spoke of above to "Anonymous" came directly from that experience. I learned the hard way that bad things happen to good people, and sometimes math has nothing to do with it. I (and others) deserve better out of life, but we must learn to deal with the cards we are dealt. Once we deal with the challenges, things tend to get a bit better.
DeleteAnonymous and Brentni, thank you both very much for your comments.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous:
What was I thinking? I was thinking that I was a scared, alone 19 year old kid who had been sheltered her whole life and made to think the world didn't care about me and I was the reason why. Anytime someone didn't like me or would pick on me at school my mother would always tell me that I was the "common denominator" and that people didn't like me because of who I was. It was obviously my fault... right? Thankfully I learned what a load of crap that was some years later.
Brentni:
How could I not "own" my story? It has served it's purpose of turning me into the human being I am today. In fact, the lesson I just spoke of above to "Anonymous" came directly from that experience. I learned the hard way that bad things happen to good people, and sometimes math has nothing to do with it. I (and others) deserve better out of life, but we must learn to deal with the cards we are dealt. Once we deal with the challenges, things tend to get a bit better.
I want others to realize that even in their darkest of hours, they are not alone. Others have been there. Others live through it every day. And others are willing to fight, to help and to aide as we each gain our own perspectives after unspeakable tortures.
Amanda, I have finished reading your story. It is a story that really shows how one person has found the ugly brutishness of some of the worst of humanity, and in her own human spirit, found a way to triumph. I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteJoseph
Amanda I am 21 years old and I was kidnapped along with my little sister who has not been found. I am amazed in every word you write. You are my hero I wish I could have done what you did and have the strength then maybe I could have saved my sister and the guilt won't haunt me everyday. You are a hero please reply I feel as if I was MEANT to read your blog as I randomly across it and I have never read anything more similar to my life then this.
ReplyDeleteLyss
You may be one of the strongest women I know.
ReplyDelete