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It's been many years since I've received a mothers day gift. I honestly believe that I don't (and didn't) deserve them anyway.

(Sure, you anonymous commenters would agree with me on that one; you "haters" with nothing better to do with your time than spread negativity. Don't waste your time today. This is a joyous day. You can not and will not hurt me no matter what you say because you're that insignificant you can't even post your name and stand by your words.)

It's been so long.

I haven't had many good mothers days. I haven't been with my child in a very long and grueling time. Mothers Day is usually spent with me trying to hide from the world. I don't have any reason to celebrate. My only child barely knows who I am.

Today, all that changed.

A friends child had a thing at her school today where mothers were invited to "tea" with the kids. This sweet kid asked ME to go with them since my friend wasn't able to. At first I was astonished. Then I was thrilled, surprised and happy. Then I had to fight the tears back.

I sat there this morning in my purple hat, hand made by the innocent child sitting beside me. That child's best friend sat across from us with their mother and grandmother. I was a part of something. Something good. I looked around the room at all the other parents. Some were obviously proud to be there while most were sleepy and tired, not wanting to be there but doing what they could to make their child happy. I wouldn't have missed that for anything in the world.

This is what I've missed out on. This is what has been missing in my life. My little boy is growing up so far away from me And I don't get to see it. I'm not there with him. It kills me every single day I take a breath. It's torture. It's heart break. But I know his father is a good father and is doing all he can for him. I know his father goes to the fathers day events, school plays, fund raisers, carnivals and everything else the school has. I know - because I refuse to believe anything different. I may not like my ex husband very much most of the time, but I will always cherish the fact that I know he takes good care of my little boy; my child; my pride and joy; my reason for staying alive in spite of the pain and torture i face every waking moment of every single day, just in being away from him.

Thank you, dear child, for asking me to come to tea today. Thank you for your kindness and acceptance. Thank you for your truly unconditional love. Thank you for letting me know, even for the briefest of moments, what it's like to have a child in school I can go visit and do things with. Thank you for helping me remember what it means to be a mom. I love you, dear child.

Ethan, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry I'm not closer to you. I'm sorry I'm not there every day when you wake up. I regret not having you with me. I'm sorry I can't tuck you in at night. I'm sorry you don't know me. But, my Baby, I love you with all my heart. I know you don't understand. There's a good chance you never will. But just know this. I love you with everything that I am and I continue to live in the hope we may someday have that chance ....

I love you Ethan. I always will.


1 comment:

  1. Your post made me both sad and happy, a life like so many others I suspect and at special times that hits hardest. I do hope that you do once again meet up with Ethan. Good luck.


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