In the past I've been told that I can be very self-centered and self serving, forgetting to put the needs of others before the desires of self. I suppose it must be true, since it was someone who truly loved me at the time who told me that. Now, looking back, I realize how right they were. To some degree I suppose it's still true of me. I started to wonder why I would be like that, since I've always prided myself on being a compassionate and generous person. Apparently, that's the general consensus from my friends - when I remember them.
Why? Why would someone generous and compassionate also be so self-serving?
I suppose it's because of how I grew up. I'm not talking about my early childhood, or even teen years. I was extremely sheltered and harbored. If I wanted something outside of the realm of that which was thought to be "normal" in our household, I had to get it myself. Yet, for as many birthdays as I could remember, all of my birthday money was always spent on Christmas gifts for others. That's not what a selfish person does. However, a self-serving person would share this fact in order to not feel so selfish.
I suppose I tend to be so self-serving because I've been so alone for so long. If I want something, I have to get it myself, and I'm just stubborn enough to get tunnel vision until I do. Sometimes this tunnel vision means I forget birthdays and anniversaries, important messages and more. I miss details I would normally never let pass me by.
Recently a very special friend stopped talking to me for a few days and I'm wondering now if I somehow developed tunnel vision without thinking about it and missed some sort of detail. I've since tried cracking jokes and poking fun, but it seems nothing has worked and I'm still receiving no responses. Have I forgotten a birthday or anniversary?
At first I thought "I've done nothing wrong" but since this morning my tone has changed a bit. Knowing me, I probably did do something and I'm too oblivious to know it. So this, my readers and friends, is a public apology for whatever it was in May or may no have done, and my open plea to please let me know what it was (or wasn't) that I did (or didn't do).
Sorry, Greg. I just wish I knew what it was.
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Well, I'm not Greg but I think you need to know most human beings can be self-serving at times. I think its just part of our human nature and is normal to be that way now and then, in part because we all lead such busy lives and have a tendency to get caught up with our OWN "stuff". If you lacked care and compassion for others, THEN that might be a problem. It doesn't sound as though you are "overly" self absorbed.
ReplyDeletePeople who are totally self centered ALWAYS think of themselves first. They allow and expect other to do things for them, yet rarely return the favor. They make it a point to drop little hints for money and gifts, yet they rarely get a gift for anyone else. They make sure to remind others well in advance of when there birthday is or other special dates on which they wish to receive gifts, etc. Many go so far as to make lists of what they want.and like, yet are delusional enough to think they aren't being "obvious" with their actions. They tend to spend their money on frivolous things and expect family and friends to come to their aid every time they get themselves in a financial bind. With that type of person, it ALWAYS about them and no one else.
I can only go by what I have read in your writings of course, but if you were totally self-absorbed, would you have bought food and pricey Starbuck's coffee for two homeless strangers while knowing you were really in need of food and other necessities yourself?
Probably not. Maybe your friend Greg is just super busy of going through one of those quiet times when he isn't reaching out to anyone. Just say a prayer for him, sometimes that's all you can do.
I certainly hoped we straightened all that out.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't you by any stretch of the imagination, but some unexpected circumstances that led me down a very unfortunate path.
Time can heal wounds, and at the end of the day it was merely a pimple that a little life lesson about who i can trust and who my friends-my real friends - truly are.
I have never seen a self serving or self centered word uttered by you.....folks that try to lay that crap on your shoulders are not worthy of your time...or your heart.