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Negativity has NO place in my life these days.

I've had to deal with severe negativity towards me for the majority of my life. I've been told that I was stupid, that I was awkward, cowardly, ugly, ungainly, bad, wicked and selfish. I've been told that I cost too much money, that I'm never happy and that I caused too much worry. For a long time I believed that completely. Now I know better.

I'm far from stupid. I'm actually a pretty sharp cookie! I retain more information in my memory than most people I know and I've got better grammar than almost every person I know - even if it's not perfect. I have my own opinion on things and I'm perfectly capable of expressing them and still leaving the room highly respected.

My mother used to tell me when I was feeling particularly out of place that I was just going through an "awkward stage" in my life. I hated looking in the mirror when she told me that. I wanted my mom to think I was as pretty as I thought she was. Whenever she said I was awkward, a piece of my self esteem was crushed.

Dad always thought I was cowardly, and yet I was the one who conquered the world on my own over and over, struggling to survive time after time to make it on my own rather than to beg for help from someone else. It's widely known that my first sentence was "I do it by self." That's me to this day. I've done it without them for 13 years now as of December 13th. A coward wouldn't have survived what I've been through. I'm not scared of much of anything.

I've never BEEN ugly, even when I was made to dress like a nun, not taught how to braid my own hair and couldn't wear any makeup except for dances after I turned 16. Even then I wasn't allowed to wear anything but blue eyeshadow. I certainly wasn't up to my full potential, but if I had ever been ugly, I wouldn't have become a model later on in life. If I had continued to believe what they said about me being ugly, the same thing applies. My self esteem would have been crushed and I never would have been in the Harley Davidson catalogue. Until I was in my 20's I fully believed I was ugly though.

I was told over and over again that I was a bad kid. I was accused of being a prostitute at age 13 and accused of being a drug addict at the age of 15 by my own father. I was a virgin until I was 17. It also happened to be the same year I tried Marijuana for the first (and last) time. I figured that if I was being accused of it, I might as well find out what I was begin accused of. I was not a permiscuous kid. I wasn't a drug addict. I hated life, and because I was feeling crushed by my home life, my home life (i.e. parents) crushed right back even harder.

I've never been a selfish person, even when I was a teen or youth. I've never been comfortable with buying things for myself when I know someone else would benefit from a new winter jacket more than I would. I would give every last bite of my own meal to a starving animal, knowing that I would have another meal later on. Even now I have an incredibly hard time spending money on myself. As a kid I would spend all my birthday money every year on Christmas presents for everyone else. I would ask my mother while grocery shopping if we could get a candy bar for my brother since he didn't get to come with us. It didn't matter to me that he didn't want to come.

I've been surrounded by the cowardly, inwardly ugly, wicked and selfish people. For the past few years I've tried hard to get rid of them. For the past year I've been quite successful at cutting them out like a cancer. I'm finished with negative people. I'm a very happy person usually, as long as I keep the outside negativity away from me. It's time to cut back the crap. I won't take it from anyone, related or not.

Not everyone is as strong as I am emotionally. Not everyone would come through what I've been through and end up the way I did.

Just because something says it's a "Birthday Card" doesn't mean it's appropriate to mail to your kid.

1 comment:

  1. Let me tell you, anyone who can wear yellow pants like those is very brave!


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