Weight of My World

I am mentally exhausted and yet I can not sleep.

It's amazing how quickly life can change. I once heard it said that life is what happens when something else is planned. Boy, is that ever true.

I've seen changes in many directions since the spring of 2009, but never in my life has it had such an impact on my mental state or emotions. I find myself drained - lacking all motivation or drive, wondering what's going to happen, knowing that my entire life hangs in the balance, resting comfortably in the hands of someone other than me.

I have nobody to blame but myself. I put myself in this situation. But I can't hang in the balance too much longer. I MUST do something about this, and I will.

I've always been a strong person, even when I didn't know it. It took a precious friend to point that out to me recently, and I can't thank her enough for that. I always find that I have that fire in my belly when I need it most ,and I know when the time comes it will return full force. I've done and seen enough in this life to know how to survive with nothing but the clothes on my back, and though I really wouldn't want to ever be there again, I know I would pull through it just fine as I always have before.

I often wonder if I was ever really meant to be happy. While I often screw things up for myself and I have a long history of poor choices, I've also been known to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I've had it all, only to have it pulled out from under me like a Persian rug. I've given up so very, very much, only to get very little in return. I've been promised the world and denied everything but food and shelter in the same breath.

I've been too trusting, too patient, too loving and too generous. Well, I just don't seem to learn. Time and time again I find myself wondering what I've done wrong and what I've done so bad in my life to end up feeling like this, feeling like my whole world is crumbling around me, crushing me under the weight of the world. It's not the first time I've found myself wondering what's going to happen to me.

I have an enormous weight on my shoulders right now and I can NOT lift it on my own - YET. I can feel that strength bubbling up, but right now it hasn't even gotten past my calf muscles. I know, without a doubt, that by the time the fire bubbles to my finger tips, I will have all the strength I need to hurl that weight off my shoulders and straight to the moon.

It's not here yet, but it's not long in coming. When it gets here - look out world - THE REDHEAD WILL BE BACK IN ACTION.

Mistakes

We all make mistakes from time to time. Sometimes they are astronomical, sometimes they're so small nobody really notices. Sometimes they hurt nobody, sometimes they hurt everyone, and the ones that seem to do the most damage are the ones that hurt someone special.

I've never been an INCREDIBLY needy person but I've been ignored and abandoned in the past. There is nothing in the world that will make me jump to conclusions faster than the feeling of abandonment. It's a scary idea to me, to have so many hopes and dreams wrapped up in someone I trust with my heart only to be betrayed in the end, left hopeless at the end of a dark road, alone and scared.

When I was only 18 years old and living in Arizona, I fell head over heels for an Italian man named Mike Cerillo (Sir-ill-o). He was good to me, treated me fairly well, and didn't get as violent when he drank as many of the other people I knew at that time. He only punched me in the nose once and that was when he was trying to teach me self defense. We were in a swimming pool and he had too much to drink and he lost his footing... so on and so forth.

Mike had me move in with him when my other living situation had soured. I had nowhere to go and he was crazy about me. I packed up what few belongings I had - it amounted to two trash bags full really. It wasn't much.

I had been living there for a couple of months when everything happened all at once. Mike had a friend moving to New Jersey and he was going to help Cappy with the move. They loaded up a truck and drove away after Mike kissed me goodbye. I didn't know at the time that I would never see him again. Had I known, I don't know what I would have done differently.

The trip was supposed to be for a week. Mike would be coming back and we would resume life as normal. I went to work at the 7-11 each day and came home each night. I would eat and go to bed, then wake up and shower only to do it all again. The whole time, I kept thinking that Mike would come back.

When the phone call came in, it devastated me. I heard Mike's voice on the other end.

"I'm going to stay in New Jersey," he said. "I found out that some of my family is in the Italian Mafia out here and I've decided I'm going to stay with them. I can make better money out here. I want you to come out, too."

I knew then that I wouldn't ever see Mike again. It broke my heart. I had been abandoned for the Italian Mafia.

Until tonight I've never told that story to another living soul - and yet here I am putting it on public display for all to see. This story took place in 1998 - and in 1999 I was already living in Arkansas, married. One night the phone rang and my exhusband answered the phone.

"It's for you," he said.

"Yeah?" I wasn't expecting a call. "Who is it?"

He asked and I heard a voice mumble on the other end.

"He says his name is Mike Chirolo." People often mispronounced Mike Cirillo's last name, but I never had. I didn't recognize the name and so I took the phone.

"Who is it?" I asked.

The unmistakable voice came across the other end of the phone. "You know who it is," he said.

Immediately I hung up. I'm not sure why I did - other than it scared the Hell out of me that this guy who left me for the Italian Mafia had tracked me down when nobody else in the world had been able to - including my own family.

The phone rang.

I picked it up and hung it up again without hesitation.

The phone rang again.

Again I picked it up and hung it up right away.

The phone rang again. And again. And again. I ignored it.

Scared out of my mind, I explained to my exhusband that this was a dangerous man and that I couldn't talk to him He shouldn't have even know where I was.

To this day I don't answer calls from a number I don't know.

It could be Mike Cirillo - the man who abandoned me for the Italian Mafia.

I've been abandoned a few times in my life. I've been left behind locked doors for 23 hours with no food or drink. I've been lied to, made to believe that I was loved, and told more times than I can count by someone I cared about that they would always be there.

Abandonment scares me. Being alone is fine if it's a choice. Trusting someone to be there and then feeling like it might have been misplaced is incredibly painful.

Tonight I made a very serious mistake. Someone I care very much for hasn't been speaking with me very much lately and I felt abandoned - so I erased contact. Without warning, without explanation, I erased contact. I ran in fear, thinking that if I didn't run, I would be sucked back down into that tornado of waiting and hoping, only to be let down in the end by someone telling me they would never be back. Mike Cirillo wasn't the first, and I can almost guarantee he won't be the last - but I shouldn't let the fear make me run or act on impulse. If it's worth fighting for, I must stand and fight.

The person I ran from tonight is certainly worth the fight.

I'm hoping for a White Lotus - a symbol that I've been forgiven for my fear.