Weight of My World

I am mentally exhausted and yet I can not sleep.

It's amazing how quickly life can change. I once heard it said that life is what happens when something else is planned. Boy, is that ever true.

I've seen changes in many directions since the spring of 2009, but never in my life has it had such an impact on my mental state or emotions. I find myself drained - lacking all motivation or drive, wondering what's going to happen, knowing that my entire life hangs in the balance, resting comfortably in the hands of someone other than me.

I have nobody to blame but myself. I put myself in this situation. But I can't hang in the balance too much longer. I MUST do something about this, and I will.

I've always been a strong person, even when I didn't know it. It took a precious friend to point that out to me recently, and I can't thank her enough for that. I always find that I have that fire in my belly when I need it most ,and I know when the time comes it will return full force. I've done and seen enough in this life to know how to survive with nothing but the clothes on my back, and though I really wouldn't want to ever be there again, I know I would pull through it just fine as I always have before.

I often wonder if I was ever really meant to be happy. While I often screw things up for myself and I have a long history of poor choices, I've also been known to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I've had it all, only to have it pulled out from under me like a Persian rug. I've given up so very, very much, only to get very little in return. I've been promised the world and denied everything but food and shelter in the same breath.

I've been too trusting, too patient, too loving and too generous. Well, I just don't seem to learn. Time and time again I find myself wondering what I've done wrong and what I've done so bad in my life to end up feeling like this, feeling like my whole world is crumbling around me, crushing me under the weight of the world. It's not the first time I've found myself wondering what's going to happen to me.

I have an enormous weight on my shoulders right now and I can NOT lift it on my own - YET. I can feel that strength bubbling up, but right now it hasn't even gotten past my calf muscles. I know, without a doubt, that by the time the fire bubbles to my finger tips, I will have all the strength I need to hurl that weight off my shoulders and straight to the moon.

It's not here yet, but it's not long in coming. When it gets here - look out world - THE REDHEAD WILL BE BACK IN ACTION.

Black Friday

"Bring in an extra body at 5am," I was told. Originally I planned to do it myself, but at the same time I knew that I wouldn't get paid for it. I'm salaried. Instead, I gave it to a really good kid. I knew he didn't want to get up at 5am, but it will look nice on his next paycheck. Of that I can be certain.

I got in closer to 6:30 this morning instead. There were no lines. Two stores were open and I passed a total of three people on my way to the local Starbucks. It was a ghost town.

On this, the busiest shopping day of the year, I have an extra body on at work, I have the evening off (usually I work Friday nights) and I have no plans. I'm far enough away from the freeways to have a fairly slow day. That's something I'm certainly thankful for.

Last year people were actually killed - stampeded to death - running through a Walmart for some cherished toy or electronic gadget before someone else got them all. It happens EVERY year now it seems, and in pre-shopping interviews people brag on the news about how they plan to 'shove others out of the way' to get to whatever it is they're wanting. I find it all more than disgusting. Sales aren't worth it, I don't care how good the sale is. Black Friday, year after year, I find myself hiding from the public as much as possible.

For the last couple of years I've taken it upon myself to select a "Salvation Army" tree angel. The Salvation Army will take the names of children less fortunate and put them on these pictures of angels along with their clothing and shoe sizes if the kid is asking for clothes, or just check the "toy" or "Gift Card" section of the paper if that's all the kid wants. Year after year I look at the tree day after day, trying to figure out which angel I will take home and purchase a gift for. Year after year, I look for one that does NOT have the "toy" box checked. Plenty of people will give toys to kids. It's the young lady asking for a new pair of shoes or a boy who only wants a warm sweater for the winter that wins my heart every time. Year after year I finally select my "Salvation Army" kid on Black Friday.

I don't have much to give, but if there's some poor kid out there asking for nothing more than a new shirt, I'll make a personal sacrifice to get that for him. I've got my own bills piling up that need to be taken care of, but I'm at least warm and cozy at home in the evenings. The kid I've picked this year is a 14 year old boy named Jeffrey who only wants some new shoes or a new shirt. While it's been months since I've purchased any new clothing for myself, I can only imagine it's been years since this kid has had anything more than hand-me-downs or previously used items. I'll have to shop around, but I'll get him something special, something to keep him warm.

Most people would opt for the angels that are looking for toys. Shoes are hard to get for kids, they say. They ask what the kid would do if they don't fit. Well, if they're asking for shoes in the first place, I'm pretty sure they won't care if they're a tiny bit big to begin with. The kid is 14 after all. If they are to big, he'll grow into them.

My grandmother sometimes couldn't afford milk and bread, yet every year she would send whatever she could to St. Jude's Childrens Hospital. While I participate in the "Salvation Army Angel Tree" I also send a tiny bit of something to UNICEF by way of the Audrey Hepburn foundation each year. I've had a struggle to survive this year, but if anything I've been through has taught me a valuable lesson, that lesson would be that things could always be worse. There are MANY people out there far worse off than I am or have been. In some small way, I want to give back. I've made it. I've come this far. It's time to share that with others. So while UNICEF is world wide and Salvation Army is local, I guess it could be said that this year I'm trying to help near and far.

This is the season of giving. I'll share whatever I can afford to share. Will you?