Go Away! (poem)

Just Go Away!!!


You’ve asked me for a date.
Go away.
You want more time with me.
Go away.
You’re too impatient to wait.
Go away.
Why cant you let me be?
Go away.

You’ve called me every day.
Go away.
You’ve given me so many things.
Go away.
I don’t know how else to say.
Go away.
I wont be one of your flings.
Go away.

Its not ok in my eyes.
Go away
Please don’t cheat on your wife.
Go away.
I once thought you so wise
Go away
I wont be your second life.
Go away.

I wont be how you break your vow
Go away
You’re not who I think of.
Go away.
There’s someone else in my life now
Go away.
I found someone I love.
Go away.

Do not come by my house anymore.
Go away.
Please don’t call me again.
Go away.
I will not be your dirty whore.
Go away.
I am something you'll never win.
Go away.

Amanda Blackwood
08/04/06

(This was written and dedicated to a stalker.)

Burbank Dreams

I was staying at a friends house a few years ago, and the electric energy from the old home really got to me. I had visions all night long of that area coming alive and progressing from about 1845 to modern day. There was a peace treaty signed between the Calvary and the Native Americans to start out with in my dreams. Then it went on through history and I saw the town around there begin to develop. I witnessed an old fashioned Spanish wedding out in a field not far from the home I was in around 1890.

A cemetary was formed near there between 1915 and 1920, but before that the large field was used for filming a couple of silent movies.

Life progressed, the river changed course, the children grew up, and then there was a hanging around 1920 in a large oak tree out in the middle of the field next to the new cemetary. The children I watched grow up had kids of their own and they in turn grew up. More people moved to the area and the buildings began to pop up all around, including the house I was staying in. The oak tree where I witnessed the hanging was struck by lightening and through several years the stump stood jagged on the hill side before someone started to take pieces of it appart for firewood. Kids would go and play on that stump.

Finally around 1960 a bull dozer came by and pulled it out to make way for an area they would be turning into an addition to the nearby cemetary.

The cars would change every time I blinked, and the lines of traffic would fade in and out of the daylight as the days passed in seconds. Finally the time began to slow, and I could clearly see my own car sitting outside, the dawn creeping up over the horizon. In what had to be only an hour or so, I had lived for more than a century.

There was something that stuck with me through that dream, though... something I have promised to go back and investigate. There was one family in particular that never left the area. Someone that I watched from 1890 all the way through modern day had relatives that always stayed at the same plot of land. The house has changed since then, but the land and it's occupants have always remained within the family.

Was it just a dream?
Is there any way I could have been right about this?

Night Thoughts

The Beep beep beep as a truck backs up somewhere in the distance...
The rumble of the motor when it finally stops, purring somewhere in the darkness...
The sounds of the passing cars on the street...
A truck revs its motor at a stop light, ready to roar off into the night...

I hear it all from my bedroom on the third floor.
I see it all clearly from the window.
These things that would annoy or pester most everyone I know are the things that lull me to sleep at night when I'm laying here alone.

It's nights like this I miss having someone there with me the most. He's out there, and I can only pray he's thinking of me right now, too... waiting for me, wishing for me... wanting me...

I close my eyes and let the slight dizziness from complete exhaustion take over me for a moment. When I open my eyes again, dawn will have broken and the world will be waking up again. I will have made it through another lonely night.

Someday ...
Someday it wont be like this.
When that someday comes, it will never be like this again.

Sleep, take me now. Guide me into sweet thoughts and dreams. Let me see, if only for a few hours with my eyes closed, exactly the way I imagine life should be.

The Wreck

"... and here we are, going round in circles, wondering if the lie will be discovered. I’ve told some big ones, but never really on this grand of a scale. And to what end? Actually, strangely enough, it covers her tail end in several different directions. She’s a crazy one. Perhaps someday she’ll let more people in on the secret, but for now it’s only me. For now she won’t even tell her own family. For now, nobody knows. Nobody but herself, me, and the driver of the small pick up truck that crashed into us..."

Exerpt from my book three days before Heathers death.

Haunting Blue Eyes

Originally posted to Myspace Feb 23, 2004


The first time he came to visit me was in a dream when I was only around 7. I had met a boy at school I developed a crush on. For a long time that boy wouldn't pay any attention to me. Finally one day he smiled at me. We started to talk, and eventually, Travis decided he liked me back. The day he admitted to it, I was floating on cloud 9. I was a homely child - it was the first time a boy I had liked actually felt the same way back.

That night I went to sleep, peaceful and happy. The dream that followed haunted me for many years.

I was standing with a flag in my hand. It was a black and white racing checkered flag. Far off, in the distance, stood two people. One was Travis, the boy I liked. The other was a complete stranger. Somewhere in the distance, a shot rang out and the two of them suddenly bolted. They were close for a while, Travis gaining at one point, the stranger at another. As I watched, they made a great arc across the ground, and came running at the white line I found myself standing over. Travis sped up and looked like he was about to win when the stranger suddenly picked up speed and beat Travis by a foot fall.

The stranger walked calmly up to me as though he had not just run a challenging race. His black hair was long and some of it was hanging around his eyes. Still, through the midnight color framing his face, I could see his stunning blue eyes. He reached in, looked me in the face, and opened his mouth to say something. That was when I woke up sitting straight up in bed. It was too late, though. I couldn't see Travis in the same light after that. I started to look into the faces of strangers for the blue eyes that haunted me.

For months I had that dream every time I fell asleep. He never got to say anything because I always woke up. Eventually the dream stopped comming all the time, and started to only come whenever I started to date someone new. Those blue eyes would always come back to haunt me after the first date. It was the new guy in my life and him, always in a race, and he was always the winner.

The dream finally stopped comming all together when I hit about 18. That was 6 years ago now, and for a while I actually tried to have the dream. I tried to think about it as I fell asleep. The dream wouldn't come.

Until 2 nights ago.

It wasn't the same dream, but it was close.

At the end of the dream, the man I had fallen in love with was sitting in a chair, getting ready to leave. His blue eyesstared straight ahead, his black hair framing his face. He had a 2 day growth on his face, and I'd never seen anything more beautiful. 

"I tried to leave you once," he said. "I coudn't stay away. Please, you must find me. I'm here, just waiting for you." 

Once more I woke up.

Those eyes have haunted me ever since - both sleeping and awake. I cant seem to get them out of my mind. I search in the face of strangers once more as I did when I was a kid, looking for the blue eyes that are waiting for me - always reaching for me.

Perhaps I'm too much of a romantic - and perhaps not. Part of me wonders if the man from my dream actually exists. I've heard people express themselves by saying "He was the man of my dreams," but in all reality, how many were of true dreams rather than an idea they had in mind? I venture to guess not many.