Tomato Soup

It's 2:30 in the afternoon. I'm sitting in front of my computer, staring at a game I'm tired of playing but too distracted to close the browser window. My tomato soup in the coffee mug next to me is still steaming, but the heat warms my hands. It's a shame I can't hold the mug with my feet, I think to myself. My toes are so cold my toenails have all turned a lovely shade of bluish purple. They always remind me of Christmas lights for some reason when they go that color. The blue house lights are always my favorite...

My thoughts wander here and there throughout the day. I know what must be done, but getting there won't be an easy road.

I take another sip of my tomato soup in a mug, the thickness filling my mouth and surrounding my teeth with a warm blanket of flavor. I've always loved tomato soup. A car insurance commercial comes on the television and instinctively I reach for the mute button on the remote. The noise makes it hard to think. I turn the volume back up right away though... I've done enough thinking lately. I need a distraction.

Another sip. Another sigh. Another weak moment. Finally the show comes back on. Two and a Half Men always seems to make me forget my own dramas and helps me to realize how lucky I really am to have this life that I've got. Ironic - the star (Charlie Sheen) has everything but love, and yet he's not happy. He's got a career playing the piano. He has a gorgeous house in Malibu. He has a brother he's close to, a nephew he sees all the time, and more beautiful women walking through his door than a Victoria's Secret with a turnstyle. Yet he's not happy.

I haven't ever really cared about material things... big, fancy houses and fast, sporty cars aren't that important to me. I don't need diamonds or rubys. I don't want expensive clothes. All I've ever wanted was to be remembered and loved. I've got that. I should be happier than I am at the moment, but something is preventing me. It's a big something. But it's only a hiccup. We'll get past this.

Another sip of my tomato soup and it's gone, I realize. I suppose it's time to run some hot water in the sink so I can wash the dishes.

The Direction of Hope

Came across this poem and thought I would share it...



Sitting in an all too public place
Smoking a cigarette and thinking.

If words were railroad ties
I would have plenty to say.
If wishes were trains
They would be but a minute away.
If hope were a direction
I would be on my way.

I'm just watching the people
Travel here and there;
Wondering where they're bound.
The train whistle blows
But I can't hear a sound;
Except your voice
Echoing all around.


Plans may change,
But people rarely do.
I put all
My faith in you.
You've let me down...
Now what do I do?

Sitting in an all too public place
Smoking my last cigarette and thinking.

If words were railroad ties
I'd have plenty to say.
If wishes were trains
They'd be just a minute away.
If hope were a direction
I'd be on my way.

If hope were a direction
I'd be on my way.
If I still had hope,
I'd be ok.

~Amber Montgomery

Night Thoughts

The Beep beep beep as a truck backs up somewhere in the distance...
The rumble of the motor when it finally stops, purring somewhere in the darkness...
The sounds of the passing cars on the street...
A truck revs its motor at a stop light, ready to roar off into the night...

I hear it all from my bedroom on the third floor.
I see it all clearly from the window.
These things that would annoy or pester most everyone I know are the things that lull me to sleep at night when I'm laying here alone.

It's nights like this I miss having someone there with me the most. He's out there, and I can only pray he's thinking of me right now, too... waiting for me, wishing for me... wanting me...

I close my eyes and let the slight dizziness from complete exhaustion take over me for a moment. When I open my eyes again, dawn will have broken and the world will be waking up again. I will have made it through another lonely night.

Someday ...
Someday it wont be like this.
When that someday comes, it will never be like this again.

Sleep, take me now. Guide me into sweet thoughts and dreams. Let me see, if only for a few hours with my eyes closed, exactly the way I imagine life should be.

The Wreck

"... and here we are, going round in circles, wondering if the lie will be discovered. I’ve told some big ones, but never really on this grand of a scale. And to what end? Actually, strangely enough, it covers her tail end in several different directions. She’s a crazy one. Perhaps someday she’ll let more people in on the secret, but for now it’s only me. For now she won’t even tell her own family. For now, nobody knows. Nobody but herself, me, and the driver of the small pick up truck that crashed into us..."

Exerpt from my book three days before Heathers death.

The Guard's Daydream

Originally Written : Feb 5, 2009 8:57 PM

Work that day was slow. There wasn’t much going on around the Guard shack, so I ended up just watching the video monitors. Things were always slow when it rained. I liked it that way.

My mind drifted to the way the sky looked the night before, with a big ring of clouds around the moon. Someone special told me that it was a Fairy Ring, the moon and the Fairies were battling for the sky. The moon would surely spill its rain if it won, but might be delayed a few days if it didn’t. It looked as though the Moon won.

Quiet days were the best for calm meditation. Normally I could think just a little clearer on the days when it would rain, like the water would wash my thoughts. For some reason, the same feelings kept permeating my thoughts. Thinking clearer was a bit harder on this unusual day.

I sighed, stood up and paced across the floor in the Guard shack. I walked out into the rain for a moment, not caring if my uniform got completely soaked. I loved the rain; it was beautiful. The fog was rolling in, making things seem even more mystical and mysterious. I couldn’t see the million dollar mansions on the hill before me anymore. The top of the trees protruded, creating a cloudy, wooden paradise with everything from palm tree to pine.

The heater blasted inside the guard shack, humming its merry little tune, warming the retreat from the elements. I didn’t want to be warm, though. I wanted to let the rain wash away my worries and concerns. I faced the sky, feeling the drops splash onto my cheeks. Slowly the drips started to pool on my face and run down my neck. It was cold outside, so the rain sliding down the outside of my throat was like ice water. I rubbed my neck and closed my eyes. What a glorious, beautiful day!

His face stuck in my mind. I couldn’t shake it. I looked at my cell phone only about fifty times a day, as I had his photograph on the wallpaper. It was a close enough image to see my most favorite feature, his long, curly hair. He had beautiful chestnut hair that wound into soft coffee colored waves that extended just below the base of his skull. His masculine jaw line was outlined by perfectly sculpted facial hair that would tickle anyone who got close enough to it. It was a good tickle. His piercing blue eyes held worlds of wonder and amazement and were themselves magical in the most sincere of ways. He saw the world as I saw it, finally proving I was not alone in my mysticism and fantasies. Magic did exist, and he was the living, breathing proof. He was born of the Fairy kingdom and raised by Pirates and Rogues. It showed in everything he ever touched.

Suddenly I was inspired to write. I didn’t know what I was going to write, just that I was going to spend a few minutes telling a story about this wonderful person. I stepped back into the guard shack and started tapping away at my laptop computer. The rain continued to pour outside, the wind picking up a little with each passing minute. My eyes grew heavy as I sat in the white plastic seat in front of the warm heater.

Sheets of rain started to sweep across the parking lot, showing how uneven the water fell from the sky. The sheets would zigzag across the black pavement, leaving odd snakelike patterns that would disappear in seconds. Pools started to form and rivers began cascading through this blacktop jungle. Bubbles formed where the large drops merged and fell into the puddles from the pine needles of the tree near by.

The water grew deeper all around me, forcing its way into the elevated guard shack. I knew I would have to get out of the guard shack if I was going to make it to shelter. I couldn’t believe it was starting to fill with water. I would have to swim to safety.

I swam to the nearest tree and looked back. The guard shack wasn’t a guard shack at all! I had been hiding under a huge mushroom! I turned to climb higher in the tree and that’s when I realized it hadn’t been a tree I swam to at all. It was a gigantic reed, like the kind at the edge of a river, but multiplied in size ten fold. Where had the tree gone that I knew was by the guard shack? I looked around and didn’t see it anywhere. I climbed higher to get a better view.

Dry land wasn’t far away. I would have to swim a while to get there, but it looked close enough for me to make it. A proud, twisted old tree stood on the banks of the dry land, also of an unnatural size. I jumped from the reed and dove into the surging water below. The mushroom was completely under water now. I swam hard towards the land I had seen. It seemed like the rain was starting to let up.

A huge piece of driftwood was partially buried on the shore when I reached land. I looked around bud couldn’t see the other end. Then I saw it. This wasn’t some piece of driftwood I was climbing over, it was the root to a colossal tree! The bark on the tree was thick and coarse, but not stable enough to climb. I needed to get a better view of my surroundings. Just moments ago, all of this had been a big parking lot!

The clouds finally parted and the sky cleared enough for me to look around. I climbed as high as I could on the tree roots and held my hand over my eyes to shade myself from the glaring sun.

A whole new world lay before me. A river off in the distance coursed its way through a wide valley. Everything was ten times bigger than it should be. Mushrooms provided shelter for potato bugs and silverfish; birds were beginning to take fight from the trees again since the rain had stopped. A couple of earthworms surfaced and worked to dry themselves on a slab of granite. From under flowers came the most beautiful creatures I had ever seen. They looked almost human, but their fingers were longer and very thin, their faces drawn taught and almost squinting. The hair on their heads was trimmed short and was in an unkempt, unruly manner. The strangest part of these creatures was the odd pair of sticks that sprouted from their backs. At first they looked like sticks, but upon closer inspection I began to realize that those sticks were just the frameworks for their beautiful iridescent wings. They bent their knees slightly, jumped into the air, and flew with the speed of hummingbirds.

One came rather close and looked at me. She was as big as I was! Or, it started to sink in, I was as small as she was. Her hair was a light blondish pink, and her eyes, what I could see of them through her narrow almond slits were an unnatural brilliant green. She had seen something on me and reached out her spindling fingers to grab it. As I watched her, I realized what it was she wanted. She was reaching for a bright golden key around my neck. Just about the time I thought it might be wise to stop her, she wrapped her fingers around it and was taking off. I grabbed her arm and held on. Her wings were so powerful they lifted me right off of the ground, high into the air, and never once did she let go of the key. If I had let go of her, she likely would have choked me to death with the string holding the key on my neckline!

Finally she landed in the center of a large pink rose. It appeared she was bored with the game and let go of my key. I had no idea what the key went to, but I knew it was important for some reason. She flew off, buzzing happily like a humming bird. Seeing that I wasn’t entirely sure what to do from here, she circled back. Her long finger pointed back towards the tree where I had been when she flew up to me moments before. She wanted me to go back to the tree?

My gaze followed to where she was pointing, and near the base of the tree was a small wooden door with a handle in the middle. Just below the handle was a lock. It looked as though this key would fit into that lock perfectly. I guessed there was only one way to figure that out. I jumped out of the rose, slid down a tall blade of grass and made my way back to the tree. It was the opposite side from where I had been, so when I reached the door into the tree I couldn’t see the river anymore. The girth of the tree completely blocked it from sight. Several more flying creatures flitted up on speedy wings, all of them urging me to go through the door. One of them opened her mouth as if to say something, but instead emitted a horrible squeal, steady and shrieking. The only thing I wanted in the entire world was to get away from that sound.

I put the key into the door and turned it with a clanking sound. It slowly opened to reveal…

I was back in the guard shack. My eyes were heavy. The horrible squealing shriek continued! I jumped to my feet and looked around just as the noise subsided. A car sat outside the guard booth, the driver occasionally honking the horn to get my attention. Her strawberry blonde hair and nearly unrealistic green contacts were a stark contrast to the blue gray world of the subsided magical rain.

“Hi there, I was just wondering if you know how to get to the Three Martini’s restaurant.” She paused, shaking the water out of her hair through the open window with her long, spindly fingers. “Damn this blasted rain – I hate this stuff!”