Spontaneous

So, what is the most spontaneous thing you have done lately?

Lately I have been deciding that I need to spend more time doing things to relax. I Started getting a severe eye twitch several days ago and as of yet I have not been able to alleviate it. I got some good advice from a dear friend yesterday, but it's one of those things that takes a little time I think. Well, part of my road to achieve personal rehabilitation is actually taking a lunch when I am at work. So often I get lunch either on the run or bring it back to the office and eat it there. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually went out to lunch yesterday and sat down to eat. It was a late lunch, so everything was pretty well empty. It was perfect for me. I was so relaxed after having done it that I decided to do it again today.

i went to the same place to eat lunch an ordered something new. I've never had it before, but it was tasty. While I waited for it to be ready I stood around inside the restaurant waiting for one of the five tables to open up.

At one, the manager was performing an interview. At another, two women were sipping on empty sodas and staring at empty plates while chatting about some guy at work who kept hitting on both of them. They were both complaining, but neither one looked very upset about it. The table in the corner was taken up by two guys and a laptop. The table closest to the door was taken up by two people who looked as though they had shared a lunch that was long gone. They sat there across the table from one another just randomly chatting. It was obvious that they worked together. The boy was Hispanic, the woman was Asian. Both looked like painfully shy people.

I couldn't believe that there were three tables in a restaurant with only five tables that had people sitting at them not eating or drinking. I decided I would do or say something about it if my food came up and there were still no tables for me to sit at. It was far too cold for me to sit outside.

Sure enough, as I stood there, my food came up and there was still no table available. As I had told myself I would do, I did something about it. I marched straight up to the Hispanic and Asian young coworkers sitting at the table discussing work. When I opened my mouth both of them stared up at me slack-jawed. Actually, it was quite funny.

"Pardon me, but there are no tables left. I was wondering if you would allow a stranger to join you at your table. I would be glad to go outside to sit and eat, but as you can see I don't have a jacket with me and it's way too cold out there. There are no tables available for me to sit at home and as I see you have to spare chairs, I was hoping you wouldn't mind giving up a little tables space to go with it."

I was as ladylike as could be. They both looked up at me and smiled. It was a confused smile, rather than a genuine smile. They were both very shy people, I can easily tell. They weren't sure what all I was expecting them. Suddenly I thought to myself that I had hoped that I wasn't interrupting a date. Oops.

But I have noticed that they had been sitting across the table from one another. They were avoiding any kind of intimacy. They also avoided eye contact mostly. Both consented and since I was tired of standing, I sat down.

I really don't know what to make. I've always been a bit of a shy person myself. I didnt think that was something that I would ever do. But, much to my own surprise, not only did I sit down, but I started an entire conversation with two complete strangers. It was one of the best spontaneous moments I can remember for quite a while.

It turns out that they were both web designers. Both very sweet people, they work close to the restaurant. The remote for lunch, and they would often sit there for as long as possible in order to avoid having to go back to the office. The Asian lady was from Thailand. And reviews that she had moved to Canada. She decided she did not like Canada, so she left the rest of her family there and move down to Los Angeles 15 years ago. She's been down here ever cents, and loves it. She calls Los Angeles her home. The boy has grown up in Los Angeles his entire life. He's very sweet kid, but he complains it is never left the town. I explained to him how lucky he actually was to have always grown up in the same place. I gave him the example of growing up all over the world, but never keeping friends for longer than four years. He admitted that he was grateful to have his family and friends around him.

All I really wanted was a place to sit for lunch. Instead, I ended up with a place to sit for lunch, people to have a conversation with, more people interested in my jewelry, and to new acquaintances that I may occasionally see at lunchtime.

It's amazing how far question smile can go. I know in some areas, some people would look at me like I had sprouted an extra head if I had done that. But these people were very sweet and kind. They were very genuine, though surprised. They did not expect anything out of me and I did not expect anything out of them. Honestly, I really wasn't even expecting them to stick around to keep me company while I eat alone. The fact that they did was just a bonus.

I have often asked where the class and society of the old days has gone. I've wondered about the camaraderie. I have asked where the friendship has gone. I brought up the fact in the past that people don't speak to one another anymore. Strangers nearly knock each other over, and it's all you can do to get an apology from them. Well, if you want the world to change, you have to be that change.

I did something today that I wished others would do. I introduced myself to strangers for no apparent reason. I sat down and had a very lovely lunch with people I never met before. I did it all as a very shy person. But I grew the courage and I did what I thought needed to be done. I became what I wished society could be.




When the two of them left to head back to their office, I told them that I wished to thank them for spending their lunch hour with a complete stranger. I told them that there were several people standing around in that moment looking for a table. I told them that I hoped someone would talk to me just as I had talked to them. And then I told them that I would always have a table for them.

"Perhaps someone will ask to sit with me," I said. They both smiled. Then they nodded and walked away.

The place was Noah's Bagels on Rosecrans Blvd. in Manhattan Beach. And as I spoke to the strangers and sat down, the manager and others waiting for tables stood smiling at me. There was a sense of appreciation in the air after that.

So try it out sometime. Be the change you wish could happen. It has to start somewhere. And that was a LOT of fun.

Big City Life

I used to feel so alone in the big city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for a number of years. And then I realized, you just say "Hi."

They may ignore you.
Or you may marry them.

And that possibility is worth that one word.

Life in the Jungle Part 2

(Part one can be found here)

I struggled to make ends meet. I worked hard and sacrificed every ounce of personal life in order to pay my bills and keep Oliver and myself fed, even if it was on Ramen Noodles. Much to the chagrin of some people around me, I would work 12 hour days 5 days a week when asked, never so much as a hint of hesitation in my voice. I would jump at the chance to see a better pay check, knowing that if I could make just a little more money, I could move up to Hot Dogs and frozen Pot Pies. On the biggest paycheck I ever got durring that time, I even bought a small pint of Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream, certainly a luxury in those days.


I missed having a bath tub and brushing my teeth over a sink. I missed having an air conditioner on the hot days and a heater on the cold days. I missed having a door knob on the inside of my door. I missed having carpet under my feet, new sheets, fluffy pillows, clean laundry and real food. All of the things I missed just drove me to work harder though. On my days off, I found myself at a loss for something to do. I would watch TV for a bit, write for a while, and stay walled up in the boat house all day long. I couldn't afford the gas to go anywhere. I didn't have any nice clothes anymore after being robbed. The one great thing about working at my job was the lack of choices over what to wear. I had a uniform I wore daily and I was ok with that. It took out the embarassment of having to wear the same jeans and T-shirt day in and day out for weeks at a time. I had a severe lack of options only 7 months ago.


I vowed the day I saw someone cry over how I brushed my teeth over the toilet that I would make some changes to my life, and the goal I had set before myself was my 30th birthday, December 11th of last year. I made that goal in Mid-October. Through a lot of hard work, determination, perseverance and the friends I made along the way, I not only reached my goal, but blew it out of the water.


I managed to get a promotion to being Supervisor at work. With that promotion and meager raise, I was able to start looking for a new place to live. I couldn't afford much more than I already paid, though. Still, on a strict budget and tight belt, I could afford a place of my own in a nicer neighborhood. Luckily I had worked very hard over the past few years to clean up my credit, or even that wouldn't have been possible.


By November 15th I had signed a lease on an apartment in one of the nicest areas in all of Los Angeles County, a little place called Belmont Shore. I went from living in South Central to living at the beach, so close I could smell the salt spray as I slept. I didn't officially move in until the end of November, but I finally had a nice home.


It was a tiny apartment, and I knew right off the bat I was going to have a hard time making ends meet each month. I knew the lack of funds would prevent me from having an eventful Christmas, and one thing after another came up causing me to delay the Christmas shopping I had planned to do using my one credit card. Life kept getting in the way, and work WAS life. I was putting in as many hours as I could get away with just in order to pay my bills.



I lived out of piles of boxes heaped in my new living room floor for weeks, hardly able to find a clean shirt or fresh pair of socks among the candles, cables and clutter tossed among the cardboard walls. I slept on a blanket tossed on the floor, but it was a carpeted floor and to some degree was more comfortable than the bed I had been borrowing - because it was MINE. Finally, a week after my 30th birthday I had managed to save enough money to buy a dresser at Ikea. I stayed up until 3:00 am putting it together. I unpacked before work the next day, working as hard as ever to get things in order.


Though I expected absolutely nothing for Christmas, Karma has always had a way of catching up to me, good or bad. I had focused so hard through the past 6 months to do better for myself that I had failed to realize that I was making friends along the way. All I could think of was providing a roof over my own head, taking better care of the Cat and never having to spit into a toilet again.


I wouldn't say it really began raining gifts or anything, but a few surprises certainly had a way of making me feel that way. First there was my Uncle Roger. After many years of not hearing from him, he got in touch with me and we started communicating through emails, daily. He told me things about my family I never would have known without him. I now have a photo of my Grandmother and Grandfather on their wedding day I don't think I had ever seen before. As if that wasn't gift enough, suddenly I got a birthday card in the mail from this long lost Uncle, making me feel overjoyed that someone was thinking about me. My Uncle has since grown to be one of the many voices I look towards for an honest opinion and a kind word when I need them most.


People who knew me well knew that I didn't lock the doors to my car because of an odd distrust in society. I would have rather had a thief open the door and realize there's nothing worth stealing than leaving me with the cost of fixing a broken window only to come to the same conclusion. I never kept anything of value in my car whatsoever, so I didn't even worry about locking the trunk release inside the cab of the car most of the time. Someone who knew me very well took advantage of this. One day after work I went to throw my backpack in the trunk of my car only to suddenly be left gasping for air. Someone anonymous had placed a 20" LCD Flat screen 1080P HiDef TV in the trunk of my car with a pretty little gift receipt. I almost cried. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit that I think I did cry on the way home.



A few days later, on the 21st of December, I was promoted at work AGAIN to being the Head Honcho on site. Suddenly I could loosen my belt a single notch and I knew without a doubt that I would be ok. I had worked hard, but I had gotten what I needed and wanted in order to survive. It couldn't have come at a better time. It still took a little time for that last raise to hit my checks, but I knew it was on its way. The promotion was exactly what I had wanted for Christmas. Thanks, Santa.


On the morning of December 23rd I was called to the main office at the end of my shift. The Office personnel had drawn numbers to select which baskets of food and treats they would take home to their families from the many gifts they had received. The three left over were given to me, the Maintenance guy and the head of Housekeeping. I chose the Belgium Chocolates, of course, though not for myself. I instantly had a plan for them.


That night, on the night of Christmas Eve, I went down to Lake Elsinore to spend the evening with a wonderful Dutch family that took me in completely. They were such wonderful people with huge American Bulldogs as lap-dogs. Even the dogs took me in. I felt instantly loved. They were so wonderful to invite me into their home on Christmas Eve and let me stay the night, since I didn't have any family around and didn't have to work until the afternoon on Christmas. I had decided to give up my Christmas night in order to let more of my employees enjoy the Holiday. Karma again. That night after we sat down to eat, Lou asked me if I wanted to open my gifts. Flabbergasted, I stuttered and sputtered, obviously not knowing what to say. I felt bad for only having brought the small box of Belgium Chocolates I was regifting.


I didn't know or care what this family had gotten for me - just to know they loved me that much sent me over the edge. It had been one of the hardest years I'd ever had to survive, and to come out on the other end like this didn't seem possible back in July. My entire life had changed in the matter of 5 months. Most of it I made happen, but certain things, like me sitting there with four dogs at my feet holding two brightly wrapped gifts of blue and gold in my lap, were completely a surprise and never were a part of the plan. Tears were brimming in my eyes.


At the urging of my small audience of Lou and Gabe with the four dogs, I opened the big one first. It was large enough to fit all the way across my lap and cover my legs entirely. I pulled the bright blue paper back to reveal a cardboard box underneath. I expected the gift to not be what I saw on the box until I noticed that the box was still sealed. It was a brand new Blu-Ray player, Wireless capable and played regular DVDs as well. I couldn’t contain it any longer. I didn’t let either Gabe or Lou see me, but I cried.


Remember I said there was a second gift? Lou and I had been walking through a Borders just a few days before Christmas, browsing. I wanted to show Lou the Art Book I used to have that went the way of the U-Haul back in July. I guess the excitement showed all over my face when I talked about one particular portrait in the book that I had fallen in love with as I was reading the book from cover to cover.



“What makes this one so special”, Lou told me “is that it’s the exact one we were looking at in the store.” Lou had gone back that night and bought the book. It had been the only one on the shelf at that Borders, and the only one I had seen since I began looking for it in July. Lou had asked me that night if I wanted it and I answered that it cost too much and that I could wait. Well, Merry Christmas to me, here it was resting in my hands. I instantly turned to the page with that portrait I so loved, the Arnolfini Portrait by Jan Van Eyck.


The same man I tried so hard to escape from in Prague invited me over shortly after Christmas for dinner. It was a wonderful evening I was able to spend with a dear friend I've known since October of 2002. Bill's always been good to me, even when I least deserved it. He presented me with two gifts, both of which I cherish. The first was a fabulous book entitled "1001 Paintings To See Before You Die" that I began reading cover to cover that evening. The second gift was a watch to replace the one he gave me so many years ago. It was a gorgeous blue faced Seiko 100M watch with diamonds around the face. I nearly cried when I opened it. I wanted another watch since the one he had given to me was in the Uhaul, but never did I imagine something so beautiful. On the back was an inscription I still look at each time I take off my watch. It reminds me of how well he knows me and how much he has always cared for me.

"Always, B"

The greatest gift I got this past Christmas season wasn’t something I could hold in my hands though. It wasn’t the beautiful card that was so personal and sweet from Lou. It’s wasn’t the Blu-Ray player to go with the “mysterious” TV or the wonderful Christmas Dinner left over’s that an employee brought with him to work for me on Christmas night, though that was the first home cooked meal I'd had in months. It wasn't the beautiful watch with the dark blue face. It wasn’t the new apartment, though I admit it was just what I wanted. It wasn’t even the promotion. The greatest gift I was given this season was just this:


Christmas Eve, I sat there at a table with a warm and loving family; Stefan, Vicky, Lou and Gabe – four wonderful people. Under us sat the dogs; Spot, Mugsy, Tyson and Sasha. I was warm, loved, and accepted by a family who didn’t know much about me and didn’t care about that tiny detail. Before we picked up the first bite of food, I followed suit when the family bowed their heads to pray. Sitting between Vicky and Lou, I smiled. I hadn’t said a prayer over food with a family in far too long to remember. Right then, as I searched for the words to explain in a prayer just what I was feeling, I knew that no words were needed. The prayer was not ever in the words, but in the heart behind them. The greatest gift last Christmas Season was that family and the kindness and love they shared with me. The greatest gift of the year was having people who love me there to share in that moment. It was a long drive to Lake Elsinore for Christmas Eve, but it’s a drive I would make a million times over just to relive that night.



It was the greatest Christmas I had ever known.


I’m not big on prayer or waiting to see what happens after a prayer is uttered, but the final gift I will write about today is the gift that I give to each of you.



For in that moment of clarity and thought filled emotion, I thought about all of you out there who helped me to survive this past year. There are some of you I don’t see eye-to-eye with except maybe once a decade. There are those of you I can’t seem to disagree with at any point. There are people who love me and who hate me, who like and dislike me, and who have no reason to pay any attention to me whatsoever. Still, those are the people who helped me to survive.


I thought about the young mother cradling a new baby in her arms, wrapped up in the stolen quilt my Grandmother had made for me. I thought about the guy next door who warned me that the street sweepers were coming and I needed to move my car so I didn’t get a ticket. I thought about the families in South Central who watched over me, making sure I had food. I thought about the boss that believed in me, the friend who helped me move, the people I've loved and those who loved me. I thought about the man I once called a friend. I thought about my wonderful Uncle Roger, my Aunt Debbie who put us in touch, my brother, my son, my father and mother, and even those dogs under the table keeping my feet warm.


May you all have the clarity throughout the coming years that I had in that moment, sitting at that table with my head bowed, thinking about each of you and what you’ve meant to me and to others. I wish you nothing but prosperity and good will for the glorious future to come. May you shine as brightly as a star even on the worst of days and may you never loose hope. If ever you do, just think back to how much this one person’s life changed in the mere matter of five months. I may have lost everything back in April only to loose more in July, but it gave me the will to fight back and survive, an survive I did!


YOU are and were my inspiration. May you always have your inspiration like you’ve provided to those around you.

Life in the Jungle Part 1

here are certain things in this modern age that we take for granted. For the majority of people, these would be things like friendship and family. Though I'm certainly guilty of both of those, there are some things that my eyes were opened to as recently as last November. I never realized certain things were luxury items. Only a little more than a hundred years ago people lived with far worse conditions than what I lived with just before Thanksgiving of last year. Though it seems so trivial in so many aspects, how did people survive without indoor plumbing? It certainly had to be uncomfortable, but it was a way of life back then and something they were used to, not something out of the ordinary as it would be today.


On October 6th f last year, I moved in to a place on the spur of the moment. I needed somewhere to go and a friend of mine was able to help me out. His family had a room I could take, and were more than willing to help me out in any way they could. There were a few minor things that most people would likely have a heart attack over, but for me I saw it as a challenge, and something I could claim as my own. Realistically I moved for my cat. I needed a place where I could keep him with me always, and they were ok with me having a pet. With my extremely limited funds and them not asking for a deposit, it was a match made in heaven.

It was an interesting place, and when I first moved in I saw it as an adventure. I have always had a hard time turning down an adventure. Sure, there was no bath tub, and the bathroom was separate from my room so I had to get dressed to go outside and down the alley to my bathroom, but it was MY bathroom and I loved it. My feet were in the shower if I was sitting on the toilet, and my only door on my bathroom was a dolphin printed shower curtain, but it was all mine and nobody else ever used it that I was aware of. I could put all my shampoo and conditioner and smelly, girly stuff in there without worry that someone else would move it, use it or take it.

My room was tiny and I didn’t have anything when I moved in after I was robbed just last July of my U-haul while I slept. I didn’t have a bed or much of anything else even then, but what I had when I moved in to my new place in South Central Los Angeles, otherwise known as The Jungle, was even less. The people of the main house, my landlords, treated me as they would a family member down on their luck. They loaned me a bed WITH bedding, a TV, cable box, microwave and even a fridge. I couldn’t believe my luck for the peanuts I would have to pay monthly. It was so very much for so little asked of me.

Simple rules like “no parties” only endeared the place to me even more. In my first few days there the weather was nice. I would often sit in the hammock by the pool and read, or shoot a few games on the pool table. Late at night when I had phone calls I would sit on the steps to the Jacuzzi back by the Persimmon and Lime trees just over by the diving board for the pool. I had a swim suit or two. I had plans to put the pool to good use, and just didn’t get around to it before the weather turned cool. The lady of the house loved plants, so the yard was wall-to-wall beautiful green. It was my own tropical oasis on the other side of my little iron fortress. My cat, Oliver would trill at me when he saw me coming. It was always a pleasant homecoming.

When it was nice weather out, showers were an absolute pleasure. I would take the thick, oversized zebra stripe bathrobe I purchased for $2.99 at Goodwill to the outdoor bathroom with me. There I would close my dolphin-printed plastic door, strip down while avoiding the prospect of facing the shower curtain that divided me from the outside world due to the blank spaces in it, and step into the shower. The water would take a moment to warm up, but when it did it stayed fairly warm for a while unless someone was washing dishes or clothes in the main house. There were times when the shift from too hot went to ice within seconds, and I’m sure the neighbors heard me squealing a time or two. By the time I got out my robe was half wet and the floor even behind the toilet was drenched, but I had a little pink towel they let me borrow to dry my hair with. I would hang it by the doorway when I was done and wander back with my arms loaded down, wearing that zebra striped robe and fuzzy slippers. I would walk down the alley by the side of the house, ducking if someone was in the kitchen or one of the two bedroom windows I would pass on the way back to my room.

When the weather was warm, I would often sleep with my door open and the screen closed, since I didn’t have any windows for ventilation. As the weather changed though, that changed too. I couldn’t stand the cold. The only blankets I had were the ones loaned to me, with the ivy printed sheets and matching comforter, rather old and thin. There was no heater and no air conditioner in my room, so when the weather changed I often got the worst of it. Still, I didn’t complain. It was Ollie and me all the way. If I wanted things to change, I would have to do that myself.

In the mornings I was met with a new challenge. I was too broke to buy food, so all the food I had was dry-storage items like Ramen noodles from the dollar store. They fed me for quite a while. Certain people got rather sick of hearing how I ate Ramen all the time and started to chide me for it. I made so many promises to eat better, but until recently I wasn’t able to. I continued with my dry storage items, eating only what I could afford and never straying outside of my budget of $40 a month on food, barely more than a dollar a day. Ramen fit that budget perfectly, since at the dollar store they’re usually 4 for $1.00 or there about. Breakfast tended to be one Dollar Store granola bar in the morning. Brushing my teeth was yet another adventure.

You may have noticed that I didn’t mention how the sink in my bathroom was positioned. There’s a very good reason for that actually. I didn’t have one. That sounds odd, but until you are in the situation of not having a sink, you’ll never understand fully what this was like for me. Washing my face had to be in the shower, so I didn’t do it three times a day anymore. Washing my hands was the same way. I would have to hide behind the shower curtain and reach around it if I wanted to wash my hands without getting drenched. Often I was soaked head to toe afterwards anyway. But how does one fill their mouth to rinse after brushing without a sink? Once done rinsing the mouth, where does the spit go? Down the shower drain? I've had a few interesting stories about toothbrushes, but nothing like I was about to encounter.

I bought a case of water at the Dollar Store. The water where I live is so bad it’s a necessity anyway. I would grab a bottle of water in the mornings and take it with me to the bathroom. There I would grab my tooth brush from it’s place laying on top of my bath towel and hold it out over the toilet. I would pour some water from my bottle onto the tooth brush, letting the excess fall into the commode. Then I would apply the tooth paste and brush the way any normal person would – except I would be on my knees in front of the toilet. One day a friend came over and was chatting with me when I said I had to go brush my teeth. Thinking nothing of it because it had become almost routine to me and rather comical in my mind, I saw nothing wrong with my morning ritual. When I finished brushing and spit into the toilet, rinsed with my bottled water and spit again, it seemed almost natural in a very unnatural way. It wasn’t until I looked up and saw the tears standing in my friends eyes that I realized just how far I had fallen from regular society. Here I was on my knees in front of a toilet in the back yard of a total strangers house brushing my teeth, feeling like this was ok, or even half way normal. What had become of me?

As so many of you know, life hasn’t always been easy for me. I’ve had my fair share of struggles, and I keep on fighting. I was too embarrassed to share this story with anyone for quite a while, but I write in order to share my stories. It's time I share this one. I had hoped to move again before my 30th birthday on December 11th. I wanted an indoor bathroom with a sink. At this point a tub wasn’t even a priority, though in the past it always had been. It would have been nice, but just so long as I had a sink I’d be happy. I just had to somehow save up for a deposit on a place before then. With winter coming quickly, finding a warm place to sleep and a indoor shower was a major priority.

It wasn't forever, but it was my life only 6 months ago. It wasn't the end, but it was far from the beginning. Even now, I continue to grow and learn, being humbled more and more each time I think I’m untouchable.

If you think this can’t happen to you, think again. It can happen to any of us. Good or bad, high or low, young or old, we all hit hard times in our lives. There are some people out there in far worse shape than I was. I at least had a roof over my head and my lovely Oliver. I still had people who loved and cared for me. In that respect, even then I had it all.

Things did get better, but it all started with me.

TO BE CONTINUED....
(Click here for Part 2)

No Drama, Kay?

A few years ago now while I was living in San Pedro, I got to know a few neighbors. One couple was an East Indian man of the Priest class and his American wife who adored him. Ravi and Christine (Chris for short) were two of the sweetest people I had ever met.



Ravi's family lived in London and he had a niece that was supposed to come visit. He asked me if I could possibly take her out with me one night and have some fun with her, since he was pretty sure she would feel stuffy hanging out with "old people" in their 40's the whole two weeks. I agreed, but I didn't quite get around to it right away. I may have mentioned in a previous post or two, but I'm at times painfully shy.



Finally Ravi and Chris invited me to go to Downtown Los Angeles to the shopping district with them. As we walked from tent vendor to vendor, past rows of flowers and carpet and fabric and clothes and knock-off watches, Kay and I walked side by side talking the whole way. She was as shy as I was, but about 5'9" and just beautiful. She had a lovely smile and a laugh that brightened every one's day. She was a lovely person inside and out. Her coal black eyes sparkled and shined. She looked every bit like a model with long, beautiful curly hair and a tiny frame. She had a very full and pouty mouth that most men went Ga-ga for. It didn't go unnoticed in Los Angeles that day. She was a lot of fun to be around, for a multitude of reasons.




The next day the family went to Disney Land and I was invited. I rode the rides side by side with Kay. Often she would reach out and grab my hand during a scary part of the ride. We rode in the same seat on the Matterhorn. We shot the bad guys in the Buzz Lightyear ride, and we had identical scores. She held tight around my neck when the boat plummeted in Pirates and she held my hand tightly during every twist and turn in Indiana Jones. By the end of the day we were as close as I've ever been with another girl.




Ravi had planned to take us to California Adventures the following day, but he and Chris had other things they had to do. Instead, they gave us the passes and I drove us out to Disney Land again. We had a blast, just she and I. We wandered all over the park, going from one ride to the next, feeding the ducks and talking to strangers. I took a ton of pictures of her as she tried on nearly every hat at the cart vendor. The one with the Minnie Mouse ears was the cutest one on her. She even talked me into something I never thought I would do with my insane fear of glass elevators. She got me on the Tower of Terror. I screamed my head off and nearly had a heart attack. I swore to never do it again, but I did it the one time just for her. Strangers offered to take pictures of us together. She took pictures of me on the rides and I took pictures of her jumping off of the benches in mid air. She bought me lunch and I threatened to do serious damage to a man who grabbed her bottom. It was possibly one of the best days I've ever had with a girl friend. In the matter of three days time, I grew to love Kay like she was a member of my own family. I even asked her to be my Maid of Honor if Pete and I ever got engaged. She was the sister I never had.



"I'd love to meet some American guy out here so I could get married and move to California. Then we could be together all the time!" My heart soared when she said that in her lovely London lilt. She had grown to love me, too.



That night when we got back to Ravi's house, we decided we would go to my favorite little Tiki bar in Long Beach, called Puka Bar (710 East Willow, Long Beach) and went to our prospective places to change for the night out. Chris made us a quick snack of some Indian delicacy I devoured and we showed the photos from the day to Chris and Ravi. Kay took the camera back and said "I don't really like this one picture."



"Don't erase it," Ravi told her. "We can erase it on the computer."



"Oh, Uncle," she said, "I really hate this one. Let me just erase this one." To her credit, she was making a terrible face in that one photo. She tapped a button or two and then stared at the camera with an open mouth, almost frightened. "Oh, Uncle! I think I did something wrong!"



"You erased them all, didn't you?" Ravi looked at her without a hint of surprise. Somehow he had known she was going to do that exact thing.

"I didn't mean to!" She bit her lower lip.



"That was irresponsible of you, Kay! Those weren't just your pictures, those were hers, too!" Ravi indicated towards me while he yelled at her. She ran to her room in tears.

"She meant to," he told me. "Don't let those little crocodile tears fool you, 'Manda."



I couldn't understand why Ravi would believe she had done it on purpose. I felt awkward and foolish sitting there, so I excused myself and went home to change into a dress. We had decided to dress to the 9's that night, just for the fun of it. When she came out in the little black dress she had picked for the evening, I was amazed. I knew she was lovely, but to be that stunning and NOT be a model should have been a crime.



On the way to Puka Bar, I made a phone call to a friend of Pete's. I told Mike that we were headed out for a drink and that he should come along. He'd been working and studying so hard lately that he hadn't had time to relax. I thought it would be a good evening for him - and I knew he was single. I should have known better than to try to set him up with Kay, though. Every couple I've ever set up on a date or even a meeting have always gotten married. Some people would say that's a good record... but they all ended up divorced, too. That's not such a good record.


"Manda," Kay said to me as we sat on bar stools side by side, "sometimes I get very stupid when I drink alcohol," she smiled. "Promise me you'll watch me like a sister would and you won't let me do something stupid."



"Kay, I promise I will take care of you like a sister," I said and she kissed me on the cheek. I whipped out my cell phone and took a quick snap shot of the moment, completely enjoying it for what it was worth. I'd never known anyone like Kay and I felt that I had found a Kindred Spirit of sorts. It's not easy for me to get close to people, and with her it was so instant I knew it was meant to happen.



We were inseparable that night - all the way up until Mike walked through the door of the Puka Bar. Kay thought he was adorable with the two inches she had on him in height. He wasn't exactly and ugly guy, either. They actually made quite a cute couple! The two of them leaned over me to talk to one another for a while before finally I stepped back and let things take their natural course.



Kay went home with Mike that night. I protested, I told Pete that I shouldn't have let it happen, and I was combated with lines of "She knows what she's doing, she's a big girl" and the like. Conscience got the better of me and I threatened to go check on her.



I was told not to.
I did as I was told.

Kay was on Cloud 9 the entire next day. She was leaving in a few days and I had to go to work, but we began emailing back and forth a lot. I went over each day after work and spent time with Kay and Chris. We would arrange flowers and chat and cook together. We would have hours of conversation talking about childhood and ex-boyfriends. I'd never known what that was like before Kay. She even told me (in secrecy) that Mike hadn't even tried anything with her, but rather just held on to her all night long and cuddled. I believed her. I was stupid.



When she left for the air port, I rode with them. After only a few days of knowing one another, we said a very tearful good bye and I bid her a safe flight home. I cried for a while in the car and Chris cried with me. Ravi drove, but I swore I could see a tear in his eye from the rear view mirror as we pulled away from the terminal.

We emailed back and forth for a while. I missed her like crazy. Already it seemed like a part of me was missing if she wasn't there. I truly had grown to love her like a sister in such a short period of time. I would have given anything to have her stay forever, but I knew that wouldn't happen.

"You have to tell me," she said in an email one day, "if Mike is being good. I trust you to be honest with me," she explained. "He and I decided to try a long distance relationship, and I know you won't let me down."

True to my word, I told her if he was and wasn't being good. Nobody understood why I did it, but when Mike reconciled with his pot smoking ex-girlfriend, I told Kay. They had a big fight, Mike never trusted me again, and Pete was very angry at me over the whole thing. It got to the point where Mike and I eventually had words over the whole thing and I nearly bit his head off. I'm an incredibly patient person, but he more than pushed me to the limit and I tore him a new one right in front of Ravi one day. Ravi, not known for brief visits, turned and fled in a hurry.



Kay emailed me a few more times and told me that she and Mike had decided to be friends, nothing more. She said she was thinking about coming back for another visit in a month or so, and that she would love to see me. I told her I couldn't wait to see her again!



That was the last I heard from her until 2 months later there was a knock on my door. I threw on some clothes and waded through the disaster we had from just moving into our new house to get to the front door. There was Kay and Chris. I didn't even notice the changes at first. I just saw Kay standing on my front porch and ran to hug her. I closed the door behind me on the way out, completely embarrassed by the mess in the living room.



Her nose was pierced. Her hair was shorter. Her NOSE was shorter. Her boobs were bigger. My God, this wasn't Kay - this was a shadow of the Kay I knew! I didn't care... Kay was Kay and I loved her no matter what she looked like. I missed the old Kay though - but I wouldn't dare ever tell her that. I wouldn't hurt her for anything in the world.



I told them I would come over in a little while, but I needed to get showered and dressed. Kay was insulted that I didn't invite her in, and they left feeling very disappointed. I never knew that until months later.



I knew Kay would be with Mike a lot. I knew they were more than "just friends" as she had said in her email to me. Mike and Pete were friends, it didn't take much for me to learn everything about Kay's visit, if I wanted to know or not. I sent Kay an email one day and tried to make peace.



"Kay," I said to her, "Mike doesn't like me very much and I don't want to crowd your time with him, so if there's ever a day you guys don't have plans, just let me know and I'll take you to do something fun, just the two of us."



"We're just friends," was her only response. I wrote her off that exact moment. I couldn't understand why Kay would feel the need to lie to me when I was the one who set them up in the first place. I wanted her to end up getting married to an American guy and moving to California every bit as much as she did. She had burned me though. She lied to me. I wouldn't put up with it, and I stopped trying to contact her. She never emailed me again.



Two weeks later Mike and Kay were married before the Justice of the Peace. Pete and I were not invited or even told about the wedding.


I missed Kay terribly.



But I don't put up with that kind of drama. I won't have lies told to me by someone I trust with my heart. I have NO DRAMA in my life. If that meat writing Kay off completely in spite of how much it hurt to do so, then I did what I had to do.



Ravi and Chris wouldn't talk to me for a long time after I wrote Kay off like that. Pete couldn't understand my rationality. People wondered if I were that flippant with all of my friends. I was called cold, calloused, mean spirited, heartless, and countless other words I'd rather not be associated with... but I knew what was right.




She's done some stupid things since then and tried to get Mike into a lot of trouble over a turbulent marriage. She's claimed Domestic Violence and had his badge taken away from him. She filed a police report stating that he held a gun to her head. Mike was arrested for that one, though it never actually happened. For weeks the drama filled the house, causing heart burn between Pete and myself. He would constantly come in with some new drama about Kay and Mike that he either heard from Ravi or from work. Finally I got sick of it. I couldn't take it anymore. I set forth a rule - I didn't want to hear their names mentioned again. Ever. She hurt me more than I ever knew was possible. I never trusted ANYONE like I had trusted Kay, and in such a short amount of time.



I'm pretty sure they're divorced now and she's probably gone back to England... but if she came knocking on my door tomorrow I would love her all the same. I would never trust her the same way, but I'll always love Kay.




Kay - if you're out there - I still love you.






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