Is there an US

An email I wrote what seems like years ago now... I had continued seeing someone on occasion and I'd finally had enough of the games.




As far as there being an "us"... it seems as though we're in a bit of a bind here. I mean, I wouldn't normally go out in lingerie to dinner with just anyone. I also wouldn't spend the night with someone that I'm just 'seeing'. It seems that every time we get together with the intention of talking, other things take place and we dont get very much talking done. Perhaps Bridget is right. Perhaps we're both being idiots. What ARE we doing? Maybe it's time we had a talk. You said that if there was an 'us' perhaps I should clue you in. Maybe there's a very good reason neither of us have a freaking clue here. What are we?? Best friends? Lovers? Aquaintances? Occasional companions? Ex's? Or are we even friends at all? You make jokes about how you still hate me. I dont believe that to be true at all... but then again...

We both need to wake up and get a clue. I moved out almost 5 months ago now. Of those 152 days, how often have you wanted to see me or invited me over? And how often have I dropped everything or canceled other plans to do that very thing? The answers - few, and often.

I dont want to sound cold or caloused here, as that is far from my intention... I just think it's about time we hash this out. We can do that in person, or we can do that here over email. It's your call. I think this needs to be settled before we make any other plans together. The last thing we need is to have either of us get our hearts wrapped around the other one again only to find out all we're doing is sleeping with each other occasionally. The results could be detrimental.

You know me well enough to know I'm passionate about things I care about. That would be why this sounds more like a moody rant than anything else, and I am sorry for that in advance. I'm passionate about you. I always have been.

Now for the ticking time bomb.
Are you seeing anyone else? Bridget perhaps? Is knowing that you may see me on occasion holding you back in any way from seeing anyone else? For a while it was keeping me back, but I finally started seeing someone. It's nothing serious, and he's not interested in exclusivity. He's been up front with me about that since the begining.

I dont ask these things because I want to reopen 5 month old wounds. I'm not telling you these things for that reason either. I want to be up front with you about all of it. I, like you, need to know where 'we' stand, if there is a we at all. I cant move things forward with you OR with anyone else for that matter until I know. It leaves us both in a very unfair situation, neither of us available to move on with either each other or someone else.

Sorry to have vented out like this. I never meant to, and I do hope you understand that. I also hope you understand where I'm coming from. This entire portion of the email (everything after the ~~) was meant to only be about a single paragraph long. I guess I had a lot in there I needed to get out. I suppose I could have summed this all up with a single sentance rather than typing out a novel for you to have to sift through.... "We Need To Talk" would likely have gotten my point across.

Get back to me when you can... I'll be here.

Amanda.

2001

Leave Me Be

Written in 2006 to my THEN stalker.

I guess the short and long of it is that if you were to ask me today where I thought this relationship was going, I’d have to be brutally honest and say nowhere. I cant see a future with you. I’ve never had such a short amount of time with someone be the whole of so many problems! I try very hard to keep my life as drama free as I can. Lord knows I’ve had enough drama in my short life to last me for the rest of it. I keep work and personal issues completely separate. I hang my problems outside the door every night and I know where to pick them up in the morning. There’s a line.

If there is anything more you need to say to me about anything personal, you may feel free to email me or call my home number. Other than that, the work numbers and email addresses are for work related topics of conversation only. I understand it would not be fair of me to completely cut you off from vocalizing your thoughts and opinions after an email like this, so I do extend that courtesy to you. However, please be sure that you have collected your thoughts, opinions, and ideas well. This courtesy will only be extended one last time.

I will be home tomorrow from 5:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. PST. If you wish to talk to me via telephone, that is your window. Otherwise, just drop me an email sometime. Just remember, only one. I can not stress enough that I ask you’ve collected your thoughts well.

I have terms and conditions I suppose you could call them.
I will not put up with being cut off, having the conversation dominated, or being spoken to in a condescending manor.
The conversation will not exceed the 6:30 time I have outlined above.
If for any reason I hang up on you, you do NOT have the right to call me back.
(there will be prior warning if there is a violation to the terms so that you might have the opportunity to correct your actions BEFORE I hang up.)
The phone conversation will be as an alternative to an email.
If you decide instead to send me an email and not call, that will be a replacement for the call.
If you call me before the time outlined above, the call will be voided and you will be hung up on immediately.
If you call me at my work number and try to discuss anything outside of the weather, your health, or work related material, the call will be immediately terminated; any other personal calls scheduled will also be terminated.
If more than one email with your name attached reaches my inbox, they will all be immediately erased without being opened.


All other personal communications after that will be avoided by me at all cost, and I would only suggest that you do the same.

Split Days

On Monday I looked into the eyes
Of a man who loved me dearly
I felt the warmth and compassion
More than before; so clearly.

How could I ever tell him
That his feelings I cant return?
My heart belongs to another.
It’s for HIS love I yearn.

On Tuesday I stood face to face
With the man I always think of.
I told him of my true feelings
I told him I was in love.

He couldn’t return my feelings
I saw the look in his eyes
And as sad as this sounds
It wasn’t at all a surprise.

You can lead a heart to love
But from there it’s on its own.
You cant force it to fall
And you cant make it melt stone.

So I’ve resolved to a solution
I know now what I’m to do.
If nothing else, this experience
Has given me a new point of view.

I cant expect him to love me
Now or anytime soon.
I cant force myself to love someone
In a single afternoon.

So I’m to be alone for now
Don’t be sad for me!
I’ll get over the one you know
And the other will be ok, you’ll see!

04/03/06

Go Away

Just Go Away!!!


You’ve asked me for a date.
Go away.
You want more time with me.
Go away.
You’re too impatient to wait.
Go away.
Why cant you let me be?
Go away.

You’ve called me every day.
Go away.
You’ve given me so many things.
Go away.
I don’t know how else to say
Go away.
I wont be one of your flings.
Go away.

Its not ok in my eyes.
Go away
Please don’t cheat on your wife.
Go away.
I once thought you so wise
Go away
I wont be your second life.
Go away.

I wont be how you break your vow
Go away
You’re not who I think of.
Go away.
There’s someone in my life now
Go away.
I found someone I love.
Go away.

Do not come by my house anymore.
Go away.
Please don’t call me again.
Go away.
I will not be your dirty whore.
Go away.
I am something you'll never win.
Go away.

Lady Blackwood

08/04/06

Best Friends

Best Friends.

Best Friends are there to guide us
When we need a helping hand
They’re ready to protect us
When we cant take a stand.
They’re the last hope for survival
When we’re sinking in the sand

True friends are really angels
Dressed up in disguise
They crack jokes all day long
But when it’s time they’re wise.
They truly love us for who we are
And are willing to compromise.

They take us at face value
And never ask for more.
When the world seems so cruel
They help to open doors
When we’re up a creek without a paddle
They’ll hand us the only oar.

Best friends are a god send
True to their every word
Of all the people in the world
He’s who I’ve most preferred.
That’s why I’ll marry mine
Anyone else would be absurd.


Lady Blackwood
08/08/06

Bond Girl

Bond Girl

He called me a Bond Girl.
I’m dangerous in his eyes.
He tried to keep me at arms length
He’s not like other guys.

He’s got a set of rules
His friends all know he follows
So when they each met me
You could hear the audible swallows

I’m the girl that broke his rules
Almost every one!
But he had to get to know me
And now I’m too much fun.

He refused to date a smoker
I smoke a pack a day.
He didn’t ever want a mother
My son turns 6 today.

He’s always liked the redheads
But knew they were dangerous
Now I’m learning the danger
Is really just a plus.

He kissed me for the first time
I thought I’d melt away
I think he’s the “one” I want
And he’s one I’ll never betray.

I put down my last cigarette
I gave it up complete.
I'll try to not be so dangerous....

At least not to one so sweet...



Lady Blackwood
08/08/06

Unfolding Wings

Unfolding wings

Have you ever seen a child take flight,
Running with his arms open wide?
Flapping them madly around
Over his head, and back to his side?

In that moment he flies
He’s soaring through the clouds
He’s escaped the every day world
No longer deals with the crowds.

The birds all look at him strangely
As though he’s lost his mind
But the little one echoes their cooing
For a moment he’s one of their kind.

The concrete steps will echo
With each thudding step he takes
The birds spread their wings and take flight
The ancient coble stones shake

The innocence of that childhood
Will be gone before you can blink
So before you curse at his antics
Take a moment to sit back and think.

What would you do to have your youth
To enjoy your childhood all over again?
It’s a fleeting moment of our past.
Why wish this one to grow up then?

Let the little one enjoy his run
As he pretends to be a bird.
To ask anything more of a child
Would simply be obsurd.

Lady Blackwood
08/11/06