Sometimes the only thing that pulls me through a rough patch is my writing. I have so many stories to tell and so much to say to the world. My life on this planet can't be over with until I've managed to share my stories. It keeps me going and focused. If I ever run out of stories to share, perhaps then I would be ok with no longer being on this Earth. Until then, I have a lot of work to do.
It sounds a little light hearted, and maybe even a bit determined - but it needs to sound that way for my own sake.
I've had a long, hard road over the past 15 years of my life. I've had struggles since the begining, far longer than the past 15 years, but the past 10 years in particular have seemed like I'm loosing the battle on an uphill climb. Each time I think I may come to the crest of the mountain and finally accomplish something worth while, some stone under my foot that I was depending on to keep me up comes tumbling down the mountain and I along with it.
I've thought a few times about just tossing myself off the mountainside when my footing gave way near a rather trecherous cliff. Sometimes I would reach for a tuft of grass and regained my footing stronger than before, making the climb with a new feeling of determination and drive. A few times people have wandered by and pulled me up a few feet before sending me on my own once more. A few cruel souls have offered a hand and when I reached for it, withdrew.
Other times I've stood there on the brink of the cliff, looking down the slopes at what could easily have been my fate. I stand there and wonder why I didn't continue to slide, right over the edge and to the valley of death below.
Tonight I stand on the cliff side, looking down into the great chasm that could claim my life if I allowed it to. I know there is a reason I am still standing here on my feet, but for the life of me at times I don't know what that reason is. Now is one of those times.
Why am I here? What have I accomplished in my life? What is there left for me to do that is so important that I must endure so much pain along the way? They say that which does not kill us only serves to make us stronger. God, I can't be much stronger than I have been in the past, and I'm loosing strength now. I have friends that are offering me a hand to step away from the brink of disaster, but this time is different. I'm numb. I can't feel their hands reaching for me. I hurt. My legs don't want to continue standing on their own. I'm blinded by tears that have been just under the surface for so long.
As I stand here looking down, I wonder to myself how I would ever explain the thoughts going through my head, the pain I'm feeling, the hopelessness I've fought against time and time again only to be faced with it again. I'm standing between a cliff and a brick wall - and for once I can't break through it.
I long to feel loved. No, it's more than that - I NEED to feel loved. I need to feel arms around me that care and love me no matter what it is I've done or what I'm going through. I can't break down this brick wall in front of me on my own anymore, I don't have the strength for it this time. I need help. I need someone to tell me it's all going to be ok while I cry on their shoulder.
In a conversation just yesterday someone told me that they worried about me because I am the kind of person to take care of everyone else first. It's as if I'm always last in my own book because I don't need it as much as everyone else does. Here I have a sick friend who needs me and I am AFRAID of going to them because I'm AFRAID I couldn't handle any more bad news. One more piece of bad news could be the rock under my foot holding me to my ground at the moment. If that gave way, there would be nowhere to go but down - and it's a long way to the bottom.
I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of straining and struggling. I'm tired of taking care of everyone I love and care about, only to be forgotten.
I'm still here! I'm on the other side of this brick wall! I can't get through - it's separating me from the rest of the world. I fear the bottomless pit beside me, but what if that's all there is left for me?
So I cry.
So I scream out in agony and pain.
Where are you? Scotland, I'm so sorry...
Please, just someone, anyone, REMEMBER ME.
Please ... just, don't forget about me ... when I'm gone.