Things Were Said

I've been working on one letter in my head now for years, but I'll probably never have the courage to send it. It wouldn't do any good to send it anyway... it would only bring someone else the misery I have brought upon myself in this years-long heartache I've felt.


We all have those moments in our lives when we look back and reflect. Most people have things they would go back and do differently. I was never that sort of person. I always thought that if something happened, it was because it was meant to happen. Our fate wouldn't pass us by, would it?


Well, somehow along the road it has for me. I took a wrong path. I took the left fork down the dark road rather than the right path to the happiness I so richly desire, and in some respects, deserve...


There aren't a whole lot of things I would do differently if I got the chance to do them all again. In fact, I can really only think of one... and I'd change that in a heart beat. It was years ago now, but it remains fresh in my mind every day of my life as though it happened yesterday. It breaks my heart each moment I think about it, and yet I can't help but to remember.


I want to remember. I don't want to remember so that I'm sad, but rather to remember because I was so happy then. It was a special time in my life and I know now that I will never have that again, but I'll never let go of that memory - and that memory will live forever. In that memory, a piece of me will live on and stay fresh within that moment, within that emotion, for as long as I live.



RE: April 1st, 2009

Window Shopping

Today, while taking the time to change every single password I have used over the past 3 years, I was in my ancient eBay account I've had since 2003 and noticed there were a couple of "watched" items that had expired some time ago. I don't know how long it had been since I had logged into my account, but judging by the size of the dress I was "watching" it's been some time.

I decided to browse eBay for a bit. My work was done, I was getting burned out on studying the custody paperwork I'm helping a friend with (legal stuff can be so dry...) and my roommate was trying to sleep. In my search for a silent time occupier, I found myself staring at the search bar at the top of the page. My fingers refused to move.

I sat there a moment, devoid of any want or desire that money could buy. There's plenty in this world I want, but even if money were no object (which sadly it is at the present moment) there isn't a single thing I could think of to look at on eBay and dream about. There wasn't one single thing for sale on the internet that would make me feel better than I already did. I've got such a great life!

So the quarters are a bit cramped, but that's not forever and I'm sharing with possibly the best female friend I've ever had in my life. She and I are so much alike it's scary. We get along famously, even sharing such a complex and tiny space for two people. The cats are even starting to get along now, lead by our example no doubt.

So I don't have my own car at the moment. Another one of my closest best friends (who also happens to be my boss these days) has been wonderful enough to let me borrow their truck while I save for the purchase of my own vehicle. I'm so far in the red at this point it feels like it may be forever before I can do that, but I know I will get there. All I can think is that I shouldn't have cared so much about someone's stupid birthday in May and I should have kept the money for myself. Then again, it makes me feel good to do nice things for someone else. I'm torn there.

So I've got more money going out than coming in. When I've just been back in the country for a month TODAY and brought back nothing more than a single suitcase of belongings, I guess that's to be expected. Again, it won't last and I'll be back in the black. I'm not entirely sure how I'm managing to spend that much money every week, but I'm about to outline a solid budget to live by.

So I'm working my ass off. I adore my boss, I really LOVE my job (when it can be called work at all, because most of the time it's not...) and how many people can say that? Life could be WAY worse. In fact, life could be as bad as it is for my friend/boss tonight. Poor guy had quite the shock when he left the restaurant after dinner tonight. To say the least, I was shocked by the phone call that came shortly afterward. He was NOT having a good night.

So I've not been drawing. I've been writing - and quite a bit! I got a new inspiration on Hookfoot. Due to an emergency dentist visit the other day as emotional support for a very dear friend, I met a dentist by the name of Edmundo Perfecto. Yeah, his name was Dr. Perfecto. Already I have a fantastic little character -

Dr. Perfecto is a mad scientist living on what everyone thought was a deserted island. His tree house is situated high enough to see if anyone is approaching the island from any direction. He is himself a flying squirrel who wears a white lab coat and ancient silver dentist monocle. One scar on his side and a circular cut to the right ear tell a story of a vicious attack long ago. He brought his crew of mercenaries, built solely of a large group of rats with an unusual strain of the rabies virus, causing them to all act as zombies. They were the perfect group of brain-washed slaves to do Dr. Perfecto's bidding - until Hookfoot came along.

Yeah - so I wrote that in about 10 seconds just now and it needs some major improvements, but the entire story is right here in my head (I'm pointing at my right temple).

So, what would I want?
Well, it's something that money can't buy, most people are afraid to give, but can't be shared any other way than to freely give it to another. It's something I've already got plenty of, but there are many different kinds.

Money can't help me now. Only patience can. Lucky I'm a patient girl with a lot on her plate to keep her busy in the mean time. ROLL ON HOOKFOOT!!

The End of a Dream

There comes a time in everyone's life when we must give up on some dream we once believed would come true. I've recently come to that conclusion for a second time in my life and it's a harsh reality we all must face.

I've given up on searching for those blue eyes from a childhood dream. Twice I thought I found them. Twice I poured myself into a relationship that was doomed to fail. Twice I was left a complete train wreck in the end. Fool me twice, shame on you. Fool me thrice... and I'm just as done as a hockey puck that started out as a burger on the grill. Somehow I believe that to be a pretty amazing metaphor for my current frame of mind. Yeah, I got burned.

Eye color matters no more than height, age or skin tone. Brown eyes are just as beautiful as blue, and green seems to show a persons soul, straight to the core of their being. Blue is a recessive gene, one that I myself have been lucky enough to possess. Perhaps I've been analyzing that dream all wrong.

According to the Experience Project:

"To dream of seeing an eye, warns you that watchful enemies are seeking the slightest chance to work injury to your business. This dream indicates to a lover, that a rival will usurp him if he is not careful. To see blue eyes, denotes weakness in carrying out any intention."

I was only 7 when I first started having the dream. I believed it to be the man of my dreams, so to speak. Through all the crazy dreams I've had over all the years, I became very accustomed to researching the dream interpretation websites. However, one dream I never analyzed was the one of the mysterious blue eyed man... until now.

Going back and remembering my dream, this analytical observation seems to be very interesting according to the times in my life I've had it. The dream seemed to always come when I started to date someone new, or there was some new love interest in my life. Very few men I've ever known haven't come face to face with the mysterious blue eyed stranger in my dreams and lost the race. If I break down this new interpretation I have, it seems to make far more sense to me.

"The dream indicates to a lover that a rival will usurp him if he is not careful." It seemed to indicate without my knowledge that my new love interest wasn't 'the one' and that the relationship was bound to fail because that person wasn't somebody I would forsake all others for. How true it was, since each of those men couldn't survive a challenge provided by some fictitious character in a child's imagination.

My father has remarkable blue eyes - the color of a glacier. Perhaps at that age I was concerned with comparing any man in my life with the man I knew my father to be when I was seven years old. Perhaps I let that dream become too much a part of me, to the point of near-obsession. I would seek out men with blue eyes. I would search in the eyes of strangers for that familiar spark I saw in my dreams. I never quite found what I was looking for. Well, I did once, but that was a few years ago now and I've never seen him again. Surprisingly, his eyes were a dark green - not blue.

It's time to give up on that childhood fantasy. It's hard, I admit. All my life I've searched for that mysterious man. It seemed to keep me believing in love and left me a hopeful (or hopeless) romantic for all these years. Who knows - I may have passed up the most remarkable man I may have ever known in my life only because he didn't have blue eyes. Maybe he's still out there and I just haven't met him yet. Maybe I've met him and I haven't realized it yet. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

The dream is over. After 24 years of searching, I've finally woken up completely. My mysterious blue eyed stranger doesn't exist except in my childhood imagination. Love might still exist, and I do have faith in that, but it's time to stop looking into a certain color of eyes for the answers I'll never have from a man who doesn't exist.

I fell in love with a dream... but I'm not Sleeping Beauty. That dream will never kiss me awake.

Love

Do I miss love?

I miss having people to explore with. I miss going on adventures. I miss having people around that I genuinely appreciate and enjoy. From what I recall, the last time I had "love" according to the other person involved, I had none of those other things.

I don't miss broken promises or lack of physical contact. I don't miss sitting alone every day and feeling just alone every night. I don't miss what that person called love in any way. It's strange... I really did (at one time long ago) think that love was a necessity in order to have a happy, fulfilled life. Blessings behold, I was gloriously wrong.

I'm not sure if I miss love. I miss having love whispered into my ear, but I've not known what that's like for years. I miss being held, but I've been alone long enough to know how to cope with that. I miss that fire, that spark - but I didn't have that the last go 'round either. Maybe I did in the early beginning stages, but it faded all too quickly. What I was left with was a man who pretended in the beginning to be something he wasn't in the end. The sparks I felt were for a personality that didn't exist.

Once in a while, once in a GREAT while, I meet someone and I feel that spark. It might or might not be a romantic interest, but it's at the very least a spark. I like that feeling. I like that surprise and excitement. In fact, I love it. But I don't miss what I thought was love the last time around.

priˈkōSHəs

pre·co·cious/priˈkōSHəs/Adjective 

(of a child) Having developed certain abilities or proclivities at an earlier age than usual
• - he was a precocious, solitary boy


(of behavior or ability) Indicative of such development
• - a precocious talent for computing


(of a plant) Flowering or fruiting earlier than usual

Last night I was very un-traditionally called Precocious. At first I was taken aback, but quickly realized that it was one of the greatest compliments I could have gotten.

I never thought much about the word or what it could mean when said of me until last night. While I was fairly convinced growing up that I was stupid, looking back on my younger years now I'm beginning to realize that I was actually a fairly smart child. I learned to observe people at a young age. I knew what love was far younger than most. I understood what it meant to deserve better than I had. At 15 years old I knew that others were making poor decisions on my behalf and the only person who could change that was me. I knew it at such a young age. That alone is the very definition of the word precocious.

That's not how it was meant though... it was meant as a current statement and fact. The very uttering of such an idea caused me to blush as brightly as my hair. It came from a sweet face and a sweet voice in such a way to match the person it came from. I couldn't help but to look down at my feet in a momentary surprise of shyness. It was a nice moment.

Whirlwind

My life is an ever-fluid whirlwind - ever since I got back. It's been a wild ride, that's for sure.

For the 4th of July weekend I had two very important friends of mine come into town visiting. Both wanted to spend time with me, so I actually got the two together and we had a great time. Most of the time was spent on the Queen Mary, including a Paranormal Investigation Tour that ended around 1am.

One of my friends and I got to go shopping and I'm slowly growing my wardrobe back into what it once was - with some extra flair. It's looking better than ever!

The party in Malibu was incredible. I met tons of people, talked to everyone and met an A-list celebrity everyone has heard of. I won't share the name here because it was a very private moment, but I will say that he asked for my phone number. I doubt he'll ever call someone like me, but the fact that this person even asked was a huge confidence booster.

It's funny, being back. People hardly looked at me sideways when I was in Scotland, and it seems like all eyes are on me out here. I walk into a room (or a party) and I own the place. Everyone wants to talk to me. Everyone wants to know me. Everyone asks who I am. Everyone makes me feel like I'm telling a lie by not being special or famous, but I think I'm ok with that.

My social calendar has been booked a week or two in advance these days and it's an amazing feeling. Each day there's something interesting or fun going on with old friends and new acquaintances. My boss/friend Bill has taken me to dinner in some of my most favorite places around LA, including a fabulous Thai restaurant in Beverly Hills just last night. I'm flirting with the ideas of taking Martial Arts once more and getting into swimming daily like I once did. I now have a membership at the YMCA thanks to my boss/friend and I certainly plan to use it OFTEN. I've even thought recently about taking dance classes - like Ballet, thanks to my roommate, Sage. It's time I live life to the fullest, and I've got a good running start at it now.

My life is getting back on track. I'm working a lot, having a lot of fun, and meeting people I've never met. I'm making calls and going places and exploring again. I'm DRIVING again. I didn't drive even a single moment while in Scotland. It feels great to be back behind the wheel of my own life.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, but that's what I thrive on - being busy and having lots to do. I am still the "Liberated Lady," but I'm also the redheaded whirlwind - don't blink or you'll miss me!