I'm Right Here

When you wake in the morning,

keep your eyes closed a moment longer.

Imagine I'm there next to you,

watching you sleep.

I'll prop myself up on one elbow

And smile at you as you rest.

I'll reach over and kiss you on the cheek to wake you,

and whisper "good morning" in your ear.

When you get ready to leave for work this day,

close your eyes before you walk out of your home.

Imagine I'm there with you,

You're not allowed to leave without a kiss.

I've got a mischievous grin on my face,

and a playful look in my eyes.

"Kiss me," I beckon to you.

Kiss me or Ill tickle you!

When you walk up to your front door tonight,

Ready to go home,

Stop and close your eyes

If only just for a moment.

Try to tell yourself

I'm standing there with you,

I'll slide my hand into yours

When I sneak up from behind.

You'll turn your head and look at me

And we'll smile at each other.

I'll tell you then how much I adore you,

But I will never need to use the words.

When you close your eyes tonight

And rest your head on your pillow,

try to tell yourself that it's not a pillow

On which you lay your head.

It's my lap youve found comfort in.

I'll run my fingers through your hair

Lightly running my nails over your scalp.

I'll lean over and kiss you on the forehead

Ill rest my free hand on your chest,

and whisper softly how much I love you.

I'll be right there with you.

I'll always be right there with you.

Equals, Peas in a Pod

Equals in the home and work place.

Originally Posted 23 May 06 Tuesday

I've always found myself attracted to men who work in the corporate world or wear a uniform of some kind... like cops. I think that's mainly because of how they must present themselves; clean cut, professional, and sharply dressed. To me there is a rare sight better than a man in a clean pressed shirt and tie or full uniform with shiny shoes.

Until this past year, I've always been rather unlucky in careers. I was a waitress and bartender for about 9 years before finally finding the job and position I currently hold, and in my corporate world, everything is run by men! Yet there are no men running around in suits and ties.

I've had a total of 3 promotions and 4 raises since starting my job a year ago in July, and they have treated me well. I now make 182% what I started off making. I was promoted to a high level in the company last December, and I really took hold of the reigns to steer the crew in the direction they needed to be (and I wanted them to be) heading in.

The man I've found myself attraced to is my equal now. It's a wonderful feeling, knowing that I'm self-sustaining and independant finally. I do not need a man in my life to take care of me anymore. I've always been "taken care of" by others, and it's a good feeling to be successful finally. Living alone is lonely at times, but for a full year now I've managed to survive on my own. I could finally be more selective about the men I chose to date, not just take what was available to me at the time and force myself to be happy about it.

We are equals. We are a team. We are peas in a pod.

Deafening Silence

Originally posted 08 Jun 06 Thursday

Ive had a lot going on in my life lately, and to some people I may have dropped off the face of the earth. I go through this occasionally. I wouldnt really call it depression, but others might. Maybe its just a healing process I go through. I guess I can trace it back to my recent posting about personal isolation.

I go through these bouts of exhaustion induced by a mild form of insomnia. The insomnia is actually induced by sensitive ears, believe it or not. I cant sleep, even though I lie down and stare at the ceiling. I cant stand to have any noise, be it radio, television, or telephone, because suddenly my hearing is hypersensitive. I wake with the sunrise to the sound of birds chirping softly outside, sounding to me like a herd of cattle stampeding through a campground, around 5:30 in the morning and cant get back to sleep.

Often during these times I find myself at my most creative levels because theres nothing else for me to do. I used to write in my book while soaking in the bathtub, but the fan in my bathroom in this new apartment is too loud and completely unbearable to my suddenly sensitive ears. Even to brush my teeth I have to light a candle to see what Im doing. I cant stand that fan. I usually fall asleep to some sweet music on iTunes through my computer, but I cant stand that right now either. No matter how quiet it is, its just not quiet enough unless its off entirely. The television blasts my ears out on the lowest settings, and the phone ringing drives me up a wall and makes me want to smash it into a million pieces by throwing it as hard as I can from my third story window. The striking of the keys as I type this rub my last nerves until theyre bloody and raw. Even in the dead silence of the night I have a slight ringing in my right ear from an injury many years ago leaving me partially deafened in that ear. The ringing is maddening! Occasionally at night I put one hand on either side of my head and push them toward each other with all my might, wondering if it will eventually drive me out of my mind.

So for all of you dear friends Ive not talked to on the phone for so long, now you understand whats going on with me. I think its reflected in some of my artwork as of late, though even that has been a challenge since the pencil strokes on the paper have been loud enough to raise the dead lately, though Im touching the paper as lightly as a feather.

The following images are colored pencil art done by yours truly in a moment or two of madness. These are copywrited images and any use other than the one in which they are intended is strickly prohibited.

Before I die

Things to do before I die
Originally posted 03 Jul 07 Tuesday

Dance in the rain on a hot summer night. Let the cool drops of perspiration bead up on your forehead as the sun beats down on your back. Breathe deep, let it out in a slow sigh. Remember in that moment what life, your life, is all about. Laugh out loud. Let the world around you think that you've gone insane. If something strikes you as funny, if you're alone or not, just laugh. Let your heart be free and light. Smile at a stranger. Make someone's day with nothing more than a muscle movement in the lower portion of your face. A smile is infectious. It spreads like a wild fire once started. Fall in love – this is the best prescription to repair any damage life has inflicted upon us. And last but not least, live. Just live. Live like you have no promise of tomorrow, for when it comes down to the facts, none of us know when our time will come. I for one plan to reach the pearly gates not wishing I had taken the time to dance in the rain.

Read more:http://www.myspace.com/theladyblackwood/blog?page=10#ixzz0xgIw8wk8

Sadness and Forgiveness

Imagine
Originally posted 25 Oct 07 Thursday

Just imagine - Picture it.

The young girl sat alone facing the computer screen in an all but pitch black room. Her short cropped red hair drips in her eyes, cold water from a long bath still clinging to the strands. She looked at the email she was trying to compose to an old friend, just as she had been for more than a half an hour. His email address was visible at the top of the composition in the 'to' field, but the body of the email remained blank. For some reason, the email just wasn't typing itself.

How should she start this letter? The last time they spoke was more than eight months ago and she had been very angry with him. In retrospect, she realizes that she had done the typical female thing to do and had blown things slightly out of proportion. Now she needed his help, and there was no way her personal pride and arrogance were going to get in her way. She needed his help that badly. Without it, there was a possibility of loosing everything she held dear. She was at her wits end, and knew that he was her only hope.

She swallowed hard.
And her fingers grazed the keys...

"I'm sorry."

Share A Glass of Loneliness?
Originally posted 27 May 08 Tuesday

A friend of mine expressed it best....




"I'm not going to lie, the last month or so has been a really hard one in my life, for a myriad of reasons. For being one of the "emotional ones" in my family, I've spent a lifetime teaching myself how to not show my emotions, play my hand with the best poker face possible. That's not to say I have controlled my emotions, no. I am still the ultra-feeling, hyper-sensitive little mama's boy I ever was, I've just gotten eerily good at not showing most of it, especially in the face of the hardest times.

"Anger, frustration, confusion, sorrow, fears, and regrets. It is the easy path to be consumed by emotions. The crying of absolute sorrow and pain, the screams and pounding of fists in anger, the falling apart of it all is a luxury that I go out of my way to not allow myself to afford. I almost envy those who allow themselves to do so. However, for me functioning day to day takes priority. And still, I am more than aware that my problems and concerns pale in comparison to those in the world who truly suffer.

"I'm not the kind of person who calls out for help, dials up a friend with the intent to complain, or feels its relevant to share my negative thoughts and feelings. Everyone's got their burdens they have to bare, mine are no different. That's not to say I that I think this is the healthiest approach. I'm constantly trying to help people through their mess, getting them to open up, wanting to be there for them. I prefer it, it makes me feel valid and useful and most importantly, its the right thing to do.

"Frankly, I'd love to be a basket-case.

"Why do I type all of this now? To get it out of my head. To admit that no, things are not alright, I am not okay, I am not as funny or silly or clever as I appear when you see me. I am tired, and sad, and incredibly hurt, and unsure of myself and the future, and feel like giving up. But I know that I will be fine, that time heals all, that bad times end in one way or another and that life will go on.

"Maybe we all just need a reminder every once in a while that we're not alone out there. Or just maybe I do. Maybe this is the only way I can deal with these emotions, by posting them on some random website where strangers can view them."

Isolation

Subject : iSOLATION

Posted Date: : May 30, 2006 10:59 AM

iSOLATION

I had a very interesting conversation just yesterday with a fellow artistic soul. This person and I do tend to have deep intellectual conversations when we talk. Perhaps thats why I find myself more and more drawn to having conversations with this person.

One of the things they asked me was that, as an artist, did I often find myself in isolation by personal choice. It took me a moment or two of thought, but as I sat there contemplating how I should answer this very apt and deep question, I discovered something about myself; something I'd not before realized.

The truth is that I do isolate myself. Im not sure if its because I am an artist, or perhaps because of I am who I am. Is it the "tortured soul" syndrome that causes me to do what I do? Occasionally there are days at a time, or even weeks, when I refuse to answer my emails (except for a few very special people) and I wont answer my phone, or even check my voicemails for long periods of time. Ive often told myself that its because I'm busy, and sometimes I really am, but thats because I make myself busy. Truth be told, there are times I'm sitting down doing nothing but thinking for a bit when my phone will ring and I'll just not bother to answer it. Am I too lazy? Am I worried about the phone bill? Perhaps I'm too deep in thought? Sometimes I'm too immersed in my work... but the truth is that I do isolate myself.

I often shut myself away in my room for days at a time. I go home after work, close my door, strip down to nothing, and write, or clean impulsively, or organize something thats already been organized 5 times in the past 3 days, or I'll write, or I'll look out my window for hours, or draw, or think, or shower, or drum my fingers, or lay face down on the floor doing nothing, or just plain GO MAD!

Am I mad? Have I lost my mind? There are times I wonder that myself.

I mentioned stripping down to nothing. From what I understand Vincent VanGogh was much the same way. He was much more comfortable without his clothes on, but the hospitals made him wear them anyway. When in the privacy of his own room with the door closed, he was nude much the way I am. Did he clean and organize impulsively? Did he push away those who loved him, but yet search desperately for that far away love that seems so illusive? It's painfully obvious by the scenes he would paint that he did often watch out of his window for hours, not really sure what he was looking for and yet always searching. Will I cut off my ear someday to try to prove my love for someone? Somehow the ear cutting thing doesnt seem like me. Perhaps mailing a favorite teddy bear to the one I love would be more like my style.

Isolation.

Id - In Freudian theory, the division of the psyche that is totally unconscious and serves as the source of instinctual impulses and demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs.