iSOLATION
I had a very interesting conversation just yesterday with a fellow artistic soul. This person and I do tend to have deep intellectual conversations when we talk. Perhaps thats why I find myself more and more drawn to having conversations with this person.
One of the things they asked me was that, as an artist, did I often find myself in isolation by personal choice. It took me a moment or two of thought, but as I sat there contemplating how I should answer this very apt and deep question, I discovered something about myself; something I'd not before realized.
The truth is that I do isolate myself. Im not sure if its because I am an artist, or perhaps because of I am who I am. Is it the "tortured soul" syndrome that causes me to do what I do? Occasionally there are days at a time, or even weeks, when I refuse to answer my emails (except for a few very special people) and I wont answer my phone, or even check my voicemails for long periods of time. Ive often told myself that its because I'm busy, and sometimes I really am, but thats because I make myself busy. Truth be told, there are times I'm sitting down doing nothing but thinking for a bit when my phone will ring and I'll just not bother to answer it. Am I too lazy? Am I worried about the phone bill? Perhaps I'm too deep in thought? Sometimes I'm too immersed in my work... but the truth is that I do isolate myself.
I often shut myself away in my room for days at a time. I go home after work, close my door, strip down to nothing, and write, or clean impulsively, or organize something thats already been organized 5 times in the past 3 days, or I'll write, or I'll look out my window for hours, or draw, or think, or shower, or drum my fingers, or lay face down on the floor doing nothing, or just plain GO MAD!
Am I mad? Have I lost my mind? There are times I wonder that myself.
I mentioned stripping down to nothing. From what I understand Vincent VanGogh was much the same way. He was much more comfortable without his clothes on, but the hospitals made him wear them anyway. When in the privacy of his own room with the door closed, he was nude much the way I am. Did he clean and organize impulsively? Did he push away those who loved him, but yet search desperately for that far away love that seems so illusive? It's painfully obvious by the scenes he would paint that he did often watch out of his window for hours, not really sure what he was looking for and yet always searching. Will I cut off my ear someday to try to prove my love for someone? Somehow the ear cutting thing doesnt seem like me. Perhaps mailing a favorite teddy bear to the one I love would be more like my style.
Isolation.
Id - In Freudian theory, the division of the psyche that is totally unconscious and serves as the source of instinctual impulses and demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs.
I have never liked blogs or blogging and even went as far as to insult anyone who had one. But I had never actually followed one before, until recently. I thought I had been proven right with the few I had tried to follow. Then I came across yours by chance, I had been feeling low and was contemplating running away and simply typed in "teenage runaways" on google and discovered your blog. Your stories make me think so much about my own life and I've never felt so close to someone I have never met. Your blog is amazing and I love reading it and will continue to until there is nothing left to read. Thank you for opening my eyes to the world of blogging.
ReplyDeleteDanielle,
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, I completely understand. I'm very glad you were able to find my blog somewhat inspiring. Please, contact me on Facebook. I'd like to help you in any way that I can.
https://www.facebook.com/ladyblackwood
Be sure to read these as well - they might help you to face whatever it is you're going through head on, rather than trying to escape the issues. I tried to escape and ended up in a bad place.
ReplyDeletehttp://ladyblackwood.blogspot.com/2010/05/florida-nightmare-part-1.html
http://ladyblackwood.blogspot.com/2010/05/florida-nightmare-part-2.html
http://ladyblackwood.blogspot.com/2010/05/florida-nightmare-part-3-final-chapter.html
Mandy,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to check on you as you cross my mind so often and I happened to find your blog. I can totally relate to ISOLATION. I have attributed my own isolation to depression that I have struggled with for years. But I really question sometimes if so called "depression" is the real problem. I go for weeks at a time without leaving my house, I refuse to answer my phone or the door bell. It is as though it just takes too much energy to carry on even a simple conversation. It is as though I am running from something but I don't know what it is. I have every reason to be happy yet I feel empty inside. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and family who love me and put up with my isolation; although I know I have hurt both family and friends by isolating myself. For those who have never experienced this strange syndrome of sorts, they cannot possibly know what it is like.
I think back trying to come up with an answer to what may have triggered it Was I born this way, was it the divorce of my parents and knowing my father didn't give a damn about me, was it the miscarriage I suffered many years ago or am I simply just "crazy"?
I went from being a very outgoing, fun loving, people loving so full of life woman to what feels like an isolated tormented soul.
I don't have any answers for you or myself, but my heart goes out to you and all the pain you feel.
Have you seen a doctor about it?
You were very young when childbirth and a hysterectomy almost cost you your life. Such a thing would have been traumatic enough for an older woman but extremely traumatic for someone as young as you were.
During the post-partum time after giving birth the hormones are completely out of balance. But when an emergency hysterectomy is thrown into the mix it creates total hormonal breakdown. You undoubtedly were suffering from extreme post-partum depression which if left untreated can lead to psychosis and/or other psychiatric disorders. This would explain the bizarre behavior you spoke about after the birth of your son. You would have needed professional help, a good support system of family and friends and most likely some form of hormone replacement therapy.
While your ex may be a good father to your son, I doubt you were ever really in love with him. From the things you have written, it sounds as though you were very young and running away from something but had no where else to go except to
him. Then after becoming pregnant, you undoubtedly felt trapped with him. That would not have been a healthy environment for you or your son.
It seems you feel your son is safe with his father and while that brings some comfort, it can never take away the pain of longing to be with your child. You must not torture yourself by what might have been or worry about what others might think of you for leaving. When your son is older you will need to take the time to sit down and explain to him that you had to leave because you felt it would be best for him. He will need to know ALL the details of what happened and what your emotional state was.
Until that time comes, try to be the very best person you can be. Be someone he can be proud of and look up to; let that one thing be what motivates you to go on and make a better life for yourself.
Please don't allow the demons of the past dictate your future.
As God's word says, "Weeping may endure for the night, but JOY cometh in the morning; for he healeth the broken in heart and bindeth up their wounds". Found in the book of Psalms.
Take care and God Bless you Amanda. There are people praying for you.... some of whom you would least expect.