Dark

In protest of the SOPA and PIPA bills in Congress today, the LadyBlackwood blog has gone dark.


I know that my own personal little tiny blog with so few readers will have very little to no impact on things, but if everyone out there did the same things with blogs NATION WIDE, we would all have one united voice instead of thousands of individual voices wimpering individually.


Lets join our voices together.  Let's unite in the cause.


DO NOT SENSOR THE INTERNET! We are NOT a comunist nation.  We are a DEMOCRACY.  Stand up for our rights.  Stand up for what you believe in.


Please take action.  Go to GOOGLE!  Google.com today and sign the petition.

Lost Emotion

I took the boss' niece to dinner and a beer to watch the Laker's game the other day.  It just so happens that she and I have the same first name and we get along pretty well.  That's a first for me.  I usually don't get along with other Amanda's.

Somehow we got on the discussion of love and emotion... and sadly I realized something about myself.  While I'm good at putting on a brave face and being sweet to just about everyone I meet, the reason I'm so incredibly patient is because I turn off my emotions MOST of the time.  That's not to say that I don't have a heart, because I clearly do if it can be so broken so often.  I guess it's a survival thing for me.  I've learned over the years to completely disconnect myself from my emotions, so that they have no ruling factor in my life, either positive or negative.

In the beginning it was a defense against the negative - to tune out and disconnect from the negativity I was going through as a teenager.  After having my heart broken so many times, I began to start ignoring even the positive emotions in order to block any possibility of falling in love too quickly only to have my heart dashed upon the rocks at the bottom of a cliff.  I think eventually I became too accustomed to locking my heart away.  I was just far too disconnected emotionally.

Now it's a safety net.  When I start to feel emotions for anyone, I hide, both figuratively and literally depending on the situation.  The same goes for fear, love, hate, compassion and pitty.  The emotions are turned off and I feel nothing from then on.  It really is like flipping a light switch.

I try hard to be a good person, but how can I be a good person if I feel as though I don't have a heart?  I laugh at the snide or rude comments I get on my blog from one particular source.  The comments are deleted and I feel nothing for them.  I cut people out of my life as one would a cancer, quickly and painlessly.  I feel nothing for them from that day forward.

A few special people can walk right through the walls I've built, but once they have destroyed that friendship or relationship, I find myself done with them entirely.  I put on a good face and act friendly, but those relationships will never be the same again.

The fact that I find it so easy to distance myself emotionally from people I had otherwise been close to frightens even me, and that's one emotion I can't hide from at the moment because I'm facing it head on and coming up against a brick wall. 

I'm not on the verge of disappearing as I have in the past.  I'm not going to shut down my blog again or stop writing.  I'm just reassessing a few thing about myself right now and trying to analyze why I'm like this.  What happened in my life that was so bad I felt it was necessary to close myself off like this?  Am I a bad person because of this personality flaw?  Is it a flaw?  Or is it just a learned defense?

I am a broken person.

Puppy Scars

While many of my friends know that I've been working on a children's book having to do with animals and Pirates, the title of the blog needs to be explained clearly and quickly to avoid any confusion.  This blog has NOTHING to do with the book and is in fact a true story.  It is also NOT for the weak of stomach or frail of heart.  This is the story of January.

Like many other dogs at G.R.A.C.E. Animal Rescue, January had a hard life before she came to us.  She was born in a small village in Taiwan, where the people value and enjoy dogs - just not in the way we do.  To the majority of people in Taiwan, a dog is just as valuable as a chicken, goat, cow or pig - and for the same reason.  Many dogs AND cats are eaten every day.  They haven't made the same pact with the creatures we call our pets.  To them, they are the next meal.  While that's quite sad to many of us, January's story is much worse.

THIS is where the story gets hard to handle.

She was only a tiny baby when the poachers found her.  Her litter mate was caught before her, and though she cried, she was killed quickly. The poachers skinned the puppy and tossed it to the side to collect later.  They moved on to the next puppy.

The tiny little tan face looked up at them in fear and astonishment.  She couldn't believe what had just happened to her baby sister - now dead and waiting to be cooked for dinner.  The tan puppy began to scream, upsetting the other puppies waiting in the hands of the other poachers.  She squirmed.  She knew what that machete would do if it came near her throat.  That was how her sister had died.  She jumped and yelped, never letting up.  She fought for her life - at 4 weeks old.

The machete cut into her neck but she refused to stay still. She only screamed louder and wiggled more.  She tried to bolt, but the poachers had a good grip on her.  All that happened was the blade cut her behind the ear instead of on her neck.  Still, she was alive.  But the cut hurt and the tan puppy screamed louder.  She was in pain, scared for her life and desperately needing help.  But no help came.

The machete was in position again. Again, she screamed and cried, trying desperately to get away.  This time the blade cut into her side, cutting her in a moon-shape from her stomach to her spine.  This cut hurt the worst of all.  It was deep - deep enough to have killed the little puppy.  Once more crying out desperate for help, someone finally heard her and a villager came running.  The poachers ran off, but not before leaving one more "S" shaped scar on her tiny shoulder.


The villagers were kind people.  They managed to get a hold of the Animal Rescue Team Taiwan (otherwise known as A.R.T.T.) who took in the tan puppy and her litter mates - or what was left of them.  ARTT was able to stitch up her gashed open side and name each of the babies.  The one with the most damage and pain was where they started, so that first little tan puppy got the first name. They were named after the months of the year - and so her name was January.

January eventually got better, but when the monsoons hit Taiwan a lot of the dogs within the rescues were either drowning or running up into the mountains to poachers, predators and peril - never to be seen again.  ARTT still tries to save as many of their lives as possible, so when they reached out to G.R.A.C.E. Animal Rescue asking for help with the puppies, they immediately said yes.  The puppies were flown all the way over here to California, where they were met at the airport and brought back to the Rescue.  By then January had mostly healed, but her scars would never go away.

January had been going to adoptions for a while.  Nobody wanted the lovely little puppy because she cried a bit too much and the scars on her side were somewhat frightening to most.  Still, her beautiful little face made more than one person feel something for her.  Yet she was never picked up or taken out of her cage.  She was never loved.  She was never held by anyone outside of the rescue.  Even the people of the rescue, including me, never asked for her story.  We never thought to wonder what the scars were from.  We never asked.

Finally, a kind couple came in and held the precious puppy, January.  They cradled her, pet her, kissed her.  They asked where her scars were from.  I didn't know what to tell them.  I didn't have her story for them.  Yet, they didn't care.  They decided then and there that January was going to go home with them and she would have a wonderful life.

It wasn't until later that night I asked the G.R.A.C.E. Animal Rescue founder about January's story.  She almost refused to tell me, asking several times if I could handle it.  I assured her that I could, so finally she relented and told me.

I used to get frustrated with January for crying or yelping from time to time.  I would think to myself "Why can't that dog just shut up?"  But that cry, that yelp, is what saved her life - and the lives of her litter mates.

January, the hero, that determined little puppy who valued her own life life more than most humans I know, finally got adopted.

New Eyes

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook.  I thought the message was important enough to share.

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, " If I could see the world, I'd marry you".

One day someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend. He asked her, " Now that you can see the world, will you ma...rry me?" The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at him for the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him. Her boyfriend left her in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying; " Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine."



This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what our life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations. 

Today, before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who cant speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat. Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion. 

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven. Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they are barren. Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets. Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. 

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin and we all answer to one Maker. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and thank God your alive. 

Dating Me

Ok, ok... so I do believe in love. I just don't believe it will ever find me. Will it? I mean, I do deeply love... but can I be loved in return?



Recently a friend of mine told me that I seemed like a hard nut to crack - that they thought it would be hard for anyone to date someone like me because I don't put up with the 'red flags' and seem to have a lot of things I refuse to put up with... like broken promises, lies, manipulation and jealousy.  I don't think I'm very different in that regard. 


What makes you unique and human?

For me it's a multitude of things; patience, kindness, the ability to forgive, the inability to forget, the wisdom to know when it's time to let go. I dedicate a certain portion of my time and life to the GRACE Animal Rescue, helping wonderful critters find new homes.  It's emotionally rewarding, watching a dog rescued from the streets of Hawthorne be adopted by a wonderful family in Palos Verdes or Beverly Hills.  Somehow it renews my faith in the human race.

Like most women, I've had a lot of drama in my life. None of it was invited, and all of it was dismissed as easily as possible. That includes the drama presented by my own family, and I have since been able to build my own family around me. Now, I'm drama free. I cut it out with a sharp knife at the first hint of drama. I'm strong willed and determined to do things on my own.  I'm passionate, yet disconnected emotionally from most people. It's taken me years to build the walls around my heart, but very special people have the ability to walk right through it. I am me. I'm not afraid to be me.

I have dreams and goals, as much as anyone else.  I dream of going back to school someday and obtaining a PhD in Art History.  I'd like to put that to good use by being an Art History professor at UCLA someday.  I can often be found spending an afternoon at the Getty museum, wandering alone and looking at each piece as though it's the first time I've ever seen them.

I'm not certain if my face inspires trust and confidence, but I would certainly hope so since I try every day to be supportive, trustworthy and confident in all of my actions.

I see the world through different eyes.  Everything is magical and wonderful if we let it be.  There is beauty in every single square inch of the world if we know how to look at it.  It doesn't take a snow-topped mountain to inspire us.  It only takes our own perception of the world and everything around us at any given moment to know and understand how wonderful the world really is. 

I envy no one because I know that nobody else on earth will ever have that vision or passion that I have for the world around me.  With it, all things are possible.  All people are beautiful.  All life is magical.  All the world is enchanting.  Life is a fairy tale.

People naturally gravitate toward me for various reasons.  I'm a naturally kind and giving person.  The quickest way for anyone to ever break my heart is to call me selfish, because I go out of my way every single day I take a breath, to do something for someone I care about, be it a small gesture of appreciation or a gift of emotional value.  I've had my share of hard times (and in this world who hasn't?) but my faith in human nature remains.

I still believe that love exists.  I see evidence of it all around.  My integrity has, on rare occasion, been all that I had left.  I believe that through hard work all things are possible.  I believe in inspiration  and I believe in being loyal to those who deserve and earn it, and who are loyal in return.

I have no room or time in my life for hatred or lies.  Weakness has no place in my vocabulary and pain can always be worked through.  There is no such thing as 'insurmountable' pain. 

A smile is more important than eye color. A heart is more important than height.   I do hope to someday find my Prince Charming - the one man who is so much like me that we have an instant connection and never loose our instant bond.  I know he's out there.  I know he's waiting and looking for me, just as I am for him.  If I'm lucky, if I work hard, if I am patient and kind, someday he will find me.  At least, that's what I would like to believe.
 
Am I asking too much?

Urge to Cry

Some days are great.  Some aren't so much.  But it's rare that I have an emotionally draining day like I did today.  It was truly wonderful to see an old friend of mine today that I've not seen in several years, but the realizations that came to mind once we parted were incredibly surreal and heart breaking.

As I was driving home tonight a song came on the radio, and suddenly I felt the urge to cry.






Sometimes in life, we have to face certain truths. 
Some things will never be the same again.  Sometimes we loose people we'll never get back.  Sometimes we love people who will never love us in return.  Sometimes things just aren't what they seem.

But I will try to fix it.

That's possibly the biggest flaw I'll ever have.  I try to fix things.  I have to remember though, I can't fix others.  I can only fix myself.  Yet, I so often fail at that.  I know I'm a mess.  Still I keep trying. 

Tomorrow is a new day.  Perhaps I'll wake up with a new heart.  But for now, I don't think I can keep fighting the urge to cry.

A Bad Joke

A Congresswoman, an inventor, a District Attorney and a guy who toured with Fleetwood Mac for 20 years were sitting in a cigar shop.

While it sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, it actually isn't.  That's how I spent this evening - with these incredible and influential people.  I sat and had a cigar with them and was treated as an equal.

I'm usually always treated as an equal no matter what crowd I'm mixing with.  It's one of the great pleasures of my life, to be respected for my mind and spirit just as much as anything else.  I do smell very much like cigar smoke at the moment though and desperately need a shower.  Still, it was an incredible evening, and not one I'm likely to forget anytime soon.

Today I even had lunch with Christi and Vic Edelbrock!  It was a day filled with influential and powerful people.  I'm sure I'll share more about it later on, but for now I'll keep it somewhat private, since the matters discussed were things that are not for the public to know about at the moment.

I will say this though - the Edelbrock "Rev'ved Up 4 Kidz" car show this year on May 6th is going to be an amazing event with lots of fun times.  People can actually purchase tickets now online at the Edelbrock website I believe.  I can't wait to go myself.  It looks like a fun time, and the proceeds go to Charity.

Join us at the Edelbrock car show! Come meet Christi and Vic Edelbrock yourself!  Come meet me, the author of the Lady Blackwood blog!  It's hard to miss me - this is what I look like this very second... so come say hi!