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Lost Emotion

I took the boss' niece to dinner and a beer to watch the Laker's game the other day.  It just so happens that she and I have the same first name and we get along pretty well.  That's a first for me.  I usually don't get along with other Amanda's.

Somehow we got on the discussion of love and emotion... and sadly I realized something about myself.  While I'm good at putting on a brave face and being sweet to just about everyone I meet, the reason I'm so incredibly patient is because I turn off my emotions MOST of the time.  That's not to say that I don't have a heart, because I clearly do if it can be so broken so often.  I guess it's a survival thing for me.  I've learned over the years to completely disconnect myself from my emotions, so that they have no ruling factor in my life, either positive or negative.

In the beginning it was a defense against the negative - to tune out and disconnect from the negativity I was going through as a teenager.  After having my heart broken so many times, I began to start ignoring even the positive emotions in order to block any possibility of falling in love too quickly only to have my heart dashed upon the rocks at the bottom of a cliff.  I think eventually I became too accustomed to locking my heart away.  I was just far too disconnected emotionally.

Now it's a safety net.  When I start to feel emotions for anyone, I hide, both figuratively and literally depending on the situation.  The same goes for fear, love, hate, compassion and pitty.  The emotions are turned off and I feel nothing from then on.  It really is like flipping a light switch.

I try hard to be a good person, but how can I be a good person if I feel as though I don't have a heart?  I laugh at the snide or rude comments I get on my blog from one particular source.  The comments are deleted and I feel nothing for them.  I cut people out of my life as one would a cancer, quickly and painlessly.  I feel nothing for them from that day forward.

A few special people can walk right through the walls I've built, but once they have destroyed that friendship or relationship, I find myself done with them entirely.  I put on a good face and act friendly, but those relationships will never be the same again.

The fact that I find it so easy to distance myself emotionally from people I had otherwise been close to frightens even me, and that's one emotion I can't hide from at the moment because I'm facing it head on and coming up against a brick wall. 

I'm not on the verge of disappearing as I have in the past.  I'm not going to shut down my blog again or stop writing.  I'm just reassessing a few thing about myself right now and trying to analyze why I'm like this.  What happened in my life that was so bad I felt it was necessary to close myself off like this?  Am I a bad person because of this personality flaw?  Is it a flaw?  Or is it just a learned defense?

I am a broken person.

1 comment:

  1. I don't think you are flawed Amanda but I do think you are hurting.

    Judging from what I have read in your very personal blogs, I am left to think that during childhood something was missing in your life. All children need love, affection, attention, approval and praise from their parents. Some children seem to need more than others. When people make the decision to become parents they need to be willing to put their own wants and desires aside and focus on their children. I am not saying your parents didn't do that. I wasn't there, I don't know.
    But from what I have been able to glean from your writings-- something was lacking during your childhood, and of course, it carried over and caused your teenage years to be quite tumultuous.
    Wounded children grow into wounded adults. Children who have grown up in a home without feeling secure or a home with constant turmoil and overly critical parents often grow up to be detached, troubled adults.

    We all desire to be loved and accepted. That is why children strive so hard to please their parents at a young age. They are longing and searching to have those emotional needs fulfilled.

    Little girls not only need their mothers but they have a real need to feel special and loved by their fathers. Fathers are the first men little girls fall in love with.
    So often we hear of troubled girls who didn't get the love and understanding they needed from their fathers. Often the way their fathers treat them as children will be the way they think men should treat them as adults; whether they were treated good or bad.

    I am no shrink but I did talk with one a few times. My parents divorced when I was 3 months old and my father never wanted to be a part of my life. It was heartbreaking and I grew up with a tendency to be drawn to older men.
    Needless to say, those relationships never worked. The shrink said I was longing and searching for a father figure... the one I never had. So in a sense I felt broken and had trust issues.

    But with time, patience and work on myself I finally became whole. I am now happily married.

    Amanda, I don't believe you are too broken too heal. I do believe the reason you give and give of yourself is because you want so badly to please and win the heart of the man you love. The little girl in you needs to heal and realize, you don't have to try so hard to please everyone. Just be YOU! If that isn't enough, then you don't need that man. There is someone who will love you just the way you are. Take care!


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