All my life I've felt like nobody really knew who I was. A few years ago I decided to open up, at all cost. Last March I took on this massive Blog project, telling anything and everything to anyone willing to read. My hope was that people would finally understand me, get to know me a little better. Somehow I can't help but think it's worked.
I haven't always worn my heart on my sleeve. I've been closed off and emotionally damaged for a very long time. It started in childhood, where I would be told I was ugly if I cried, that I shouldn't be such a cry baby, that I wasn't any good to anyone if I got all emotional at things. It took a long time for me to open up, and even now I only seem to open up when it's in typed format. Otherwise I'm really good at putting on a brave face. Inside, I'm a mess right now. I can't share that or show that to the world though. I have responsibilities. I need to be a strong leader for my employees and a suitable fit for my job, lest I loose it due to being too emotional at work and bringing personal problems with me to the office.
It's been a hard week, there is no denying that. But I'm sitting here in the office smiling at the moment. I may not know deep down why I'm smiling, but I am, just the same.
When hard times hit, the one person I want to tell more than anyone else in the world is the one person I can't seem to tell. That one person has changed many times over the years, from my parents to my boyfriends to my husbands and best friends, but the situation never has. At my lowest, weakest moments I can't seem to bring the words out to tell the one person I'm really, truly wanting to tell. I find it much easier to find a sounding board - a friend willing to listen. I can then spit everything out on the wall and read it, make sense of it all, interpret it to the best of my ability and finally translate it for that all-important person. Sometimes that method fails.
When all is said and done, the one medium I've always been able to rely on to interpret what I'm going through has always been my writing. Far more people than I may have realized actually do read my writing from time to time. I've had so many people reaching out to me recently in emails, phone calls, text messages, Skype messages, get well cards and Facebook that I've been slightly overwhelmed. All of my communication forms have been over run with phone numbers, messages of prayer and support, and love from all across the world. I have so many messages that I couldn't possibly get to them all in one day, though I will make an honest attempt of it this week.
I stated just recently on Facebook that "I smile in the face of hard times. I laugh out at my own broken heart. I am triumphant, strong, independent, and free spirited. I am a REDHEAD!" Yet, I'm also weak, afraid and alone most of the time. I hide behind this smile like a clown does. I cower behind my laugh, wondering if I will ever find a true happiness. But I also know that I can't live my life hiding behind my smile. I'm not a clown. I'm not here for the amusement of others, though it has often felt that way. I'm here to be that triumphant, strong, independent and free spirited woman I have always been on the outside.
My readers have grown to know and understand me over the past 223 stories (I'm a little behind right now) and somehow these strangers from across the world, people I've never met, are my support system. They are the love that I've been needing and craving. They have always been there for me, though I may not have realized that at first. They are the family I always wanted - people who love me for who I am. They don't want me to stop crying because I'm ugly when I cry. They want me to stop crying because they don't like to see me in pain. They don't think I'm being too emotional, and in fact some are prompting me to write MORE, because they know that's how I'm able to vent my anger, frustration, fear and remorse.
Thanks to the great men and women of the world, my blog readers, my friends, MY FAMILY of the world, I'm in a much better place now than I was only a couple of days ago. I've been talked back from the dark abyss of the endless unknown.
"I smile in the face of hard times. I laugh out at my broken heart. I am triumphant, strong, independent and free spirited. I'm A REDHEAD!!!"
And I am loved.