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I'm Done!

I've been through a lot.

I survived loosing everything I ever owned a little more than a year ago when my Uhaul was stolen with everything inside. I kept going when my family (except for my wonderful Uncle Roger) forgot about my 30th birthday with not much complaint. I'd been kidnapped, I've died once, and I nearly threw my car off a cliff when I was 19 years old. I've spent many nights laying awake because of hunger. I wandered through a strange country and stumbled over a dead body at 2am, but lived to tell about it. I survived South Central Los Angeles, a boulder nearly smashing my head in, stalkers and dog fights. Yet, of everything I've survived, the past 5 days have easily been the hardest I've ever had to go through.

I was laying on the bed in the Acupuncture's office with needles sticking out of my hands, feet, legs, arms and "third eye" while going over everything that happened in the past week. I couldn't believe how one week could change me so much, and yet I was laying there on the bed laughing. It wasn't just a little chuckle. I was laughing almost hysterically.

Wednesday of last week I had worked very hard to eat healthy. I was taking better care of myself in preparation for the changes that would be taking place in my life the following month. I had eaten nothing but good stuff and was feeling great. I had done my Yoga that morning and was feeling great! Driving home, I had taken the top off of my car for the first time in weeks. It was nice out, warm and comfortable. I was enjoying the leasurely drive when out of nowhere the guy hit me. He smashed into the side of my car from a dead end street, trying to turn left onto the major road I was on. I just happened to be in the way.

Though I will leave the details of that event to another day, that wasn't the end of the trauma. The guy tried to blame it all on me. The next day I was in so much pain that I went to the doctor close to where I work. It's the same doctor I went to a couple weeks before that to have them look at something that had been worrying me for the past two years. When I went in to have my back looked at, the doctor informed me that the results had come back on my other testing. Not only did I have three new prescriptions for pain relievers and muscle relaxers, but I now had skin cancer. It was the hardest thing I ever had to hear anyone say to me. I didn't want to listen. I didn't want to tell anyone. I was embarassed. I was ashamed. I was afraid. It just couldn't be. That night I took my prescription medications and grew severely depressed, to the point of being suicidal. I couldn't shake it. I tried to tell people, but I was so full of shame that I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, or out of my finger tips.

I went to a meeting with a Lawyer the next day. Everything moved so fast that I didn't really have time to think. I had to work that evening, so I went home afterward feeling lower than ever. Part of me couldn't believe the incredible pain I was in, part of me didn't want to feel it anymore at all cost. I tried to reach out to someone I needed, but I didn't get a response. I waited and waited, determined to tell him what was going on. When he didn't respond and a friend of mine wanted to see if I was ok, I welcomed the contact. My neighbor came over and we did a video chat with my foreign friend for a while. When she had to go, I suddenly broke down into tears about the time the door cloosed behind her. I couldn't help it.

I still hadn't told anyone about my face. I couldn't. As I sat there crying in despeation, wanting to tell anyone who would listen about what I was going through, I never imagined it would be the begining of the end. My foreign friend gave me the courage to not give up yet by the end of our chat, and I started to feel better. I was still destroyed on the inside, but I was willing to reach out one more time to the one person I needed more than anyone thanks to my friend. Unfortunately, during my weakest moment, that one person tried to contact me and I was so upset I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't want to upset him, so I didn't tell him I was crying my eyes out and talking to my friend about him. I didn't want him to be angry. Instead, he was angry because I wouldn't tell him what I was doing. He ignored me for the rest of the night.

I finally grew the courage to admit what I was facing and share it with the world. I sent him an email first. I knew that unfortunately he wouldn't see it until morning. Still, I wanted to tell him first. He deserved it. Then I told the world.

That afternoon I went to the local Starbucks. I sat and wrote for a while. I was writing a note to all the people in my life that I love, and those I've loved and lost. I was planning to mail it to someone in particular when I was finished, but I knew it would take a couple days to finish. I was only a third of the way through when I finally decided to go home and go to bed after several hours.

My DVD player broke, so I couldn't even put in the "feel good" movie I wanted to see last night. I was as low as ever. I was at the end of my line of determination and hope. I turned off the TV and went to bed after much tossing and turning, painful moments and torturous tears. Now I was on my own. I didn't want to be alone for the Holidays this year. The fear gripped at my heart. I was so alone and desperate. I wanted to die.

Finally, the final words came.
"I'm done."

"Is it normal to laugh," I asked the Acupuncturist when he came back in.

"If your heart has been hurting, then yes. It's normal to laugh during acupuncture if you've had a heart full of water." He pulled out the needles one at a time.

Suddenly the pain stopped. My back and neck were still killing me from the wreck, but my heart didn't hurt so much anymore. It took a car wreck, cancer and severe depression on my end to open his eyes to what I needed to do, after too many years of trying to figure it out.

Well, now I'm done. I'm done feeling low and sorry for myself. I'm done with the pitty party. I'm done being depressed and pathetic. I'm done feeling like I lost all hope. I'm done with staying home every weekend, being anti-social. I'm done proving myself to anyone. I'm done working a job where I'm not appreciated. I'm done struggling to survive from one day to the next, never knowing when my next meal will come or if I can afford to fix my car the next time it breaks down. I'm better than that. I deserve better.


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