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While at the Animation Awards I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen since 2006, and while it was good to see this old friend, having a conversation with him brought up some old memories.  I began to realize how much I've changed since then... Some for the good, but mostly not.

I was an idealistic kid with more hopes and dreams than brains.  I knew that I was destined for bigger things.  I planned to make a great name for myself by the age of 30 and determined to get married to the man I thought was the love of my life.  He and I had just bought a home and we planned to build on it.  College was a short term goal.  Virtue and innocence were still a big part of me.

Since having that conversation and remembering who I was, I've taken a long hard look in the mirror.

I'm far from being that 20-something kid now.  I've been bashed upside the head with reality several times since then.  Most of the hopes and dreams I had back in 2006 disappeared long ago, along with my uhaul trailer.  These days I have no idea what I'm destined for or where I'm going.  I don't know how I'll get there and the man I thought was to be 'the one' was gone even before my idealistic vision.  There's someone in my life now, but I'm living in an apartment with roommates and college is farther away than ever.  I've lost that innocence.  I've lost my dreams.  I've lost my goals and hopes.  Somewhere along the way, I forgot who that 20-something person was.  She's a stranger to me.

We all have good and bad days, but I have to admit that when I looked in the mirror, I didn't really like what I saw. 

It may be about time to change that.

I'll never get my innocence back.  I'm not going to be headed back to school anytime soon.  Those hopes and dreams I had are dead now.  But I can change something within my life - at least enough to reconnect with myself.  That was quite a wake up call for me.


  1. Hang in there and remember your friends are always here for you.

  2. You cannot change the way your story began, but you can change the way it ends!

    Keep your head up!

  3. How do you define innocence and virtue? Why do you not like what you see in the mirror?
    I think most of us who have left our twenty something years behind, most likely look back with some regret as most of us have made mistakes and failed to follow through on certain goals and ambitions.
    Your past mistakes don't make you a bad person, they only show that you are human. It appears you have learned from those mistakes and are moving forward with your life. Those who do not learn from their mistakes are the ones who end up with problems.
    I have read most of your blogs, and considering what you endured by the time you were twenty years old would have caused many young ladies to have given up completely. But instead of choosing to give up, you chose to perservere and to keep fighting.
    Hang in there Amanda, perhaps the best is yet to come. Take care!

  4. You are treasured and always have a home within these inner walls. You have already lived a huge exciting life with both ups and downs and it is nowhere near over. Be happy for all you have been and just keep living. I know for a fact the lonely rose lived out the rest of the days fulfilled.

  5. Let me just say this. I don't care about your past. I love you for who you are right now! And I believe in you and what lays a head.
    Look everyone has faults and things they don't like about themselves. Parts of their past they would like to change or erase. As far as I can see that just makes you human. So change what you want to change and keep the rest. It looks dam fine from where I'm standing. You are amazing and I love you.
    George Clooney


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