Angry in 2014

I'd been back from Scotland for a few short years by this point.  I was still struggling to survive, trying to learn how to deal with what I had gone through, figuring out how to face myself in the mirror once more.  It was around this time that someone I'd considered to be my best friend began telling people I had been a "call girl" in Scotland because she couldn't deal with the truth of what happened to me.  It was a vulgar time in my life and I was incredibly unhappy. 

My life was spiraling out of control still and I had no idea how to reign it all in.





Amanda Blackwood
September 16, 2014 at 10:35 AM
Torrance, CA

I'M SO ANGRY!!!

I woke up confused from my dream and quickly realized I was (and should be) angry.

In every decision made in my dream, I was in the drivers seat, but someone else was controlling the truck.

Once, quite literally, I was in front of the wheel, unable to steer.

Once I was dressed in a white prom dress and married to someone I didn't know.

Once I slept on the street, homeless simply because someone refused to talk to me, saying they did it to "get a reaction" from me.

The reason I'm so angry now that I'm awake?

Because EACH of these things happened in my past. They weren't as confusing as the dreams were, but they weren't far off.

For many years I had no control over my life. I had no backbone. I had no direction. Truthfully, I had no hope.

Though I now have more direction than I did at 19 or 20 years old, I still find certain aspects are being dictated by others who should never be given that much power. They have this control because they help me to survive and not end up homeless. But those people shouldn't have that power. I'd honestly RATHER be homeless than give someone that much power or control over my life ever again!!

I fight for one reason and one reason only: my boys [cats].

If I lost my small and humble home, so would they. And so I bite my lower lip, pull back the tears, wipe away the blood and take a deep breath. I suck it up.

I am at the mercy of others.

And I'm just so angry.