Posted Date: : Mar 24, 2006 8:27 AM
Good morning, my small audience.
All of you who can read this have now been added to my "Preferred List" merely because prying eyes and ruthless spies have done me in again.
Shall I start at the begining?
Each of you reading this now know that I've not been happy with the relationship I'm currently in. Yes, it's turned into a monotinous event, having to go home to HIM every day. Yeah, the Enforcer. The Warden. And my personal favorite nickname ... The ASS.
Anyway, lately he's decided that he wants to try sleeping in the bed again after not doing so for months. I began wearing clothes to bed to cover myself because the thought of having him next to me makes me feel uncomfortable now. I've also started sleeping on the couch on the days he comes to bed - if I can wake up enough to do so. Most of the time his obnixious snooring is more than enough assistance with my waking up. Last night for some reason, he didn't snore as loudly so I didn't wake up and sleep on the couch. Instead, I woke up feeling his hands on me. It made my spine crawl... I felt horribly disgusting suddenly.
I tried to roll out of bed and jump in the shower, but it was only 6:00 and I normally dont get up until 6:30. I fained a weak stomach so as not to hurt his precious feelings, and tried to explain that I had a lot to do. Again I tried to get out of bed, and again he held me back. Finally, I told him point blank to ... "STOP. I'm getting UP!"
As any man would be, he was upset. He pouted and moped about for a while, and asked me what was going on with me. What was I to tell him? Well, I told him the truth. Plain and simple. It came out in an explosion of screams, shouts, cries, and slams.
"God Damn it, I'm not here for you to just fu@# when you feel like it! You've not wanted anything to do with me now for months, and now that it's suddenly convenient for you, you want to screw me in the morning before I'm even awake? I'm not in the mood for this bullshi#! You weren't there for me when I needed you, and I moved on. I got used to it. Dont expect me to suddenly think that everything is the way it was when I moved back in with you in August. You've fallen back into your rut! I stopped wanting you to come to bed about 3 weeks before you started again. By that time, it was too late! I'm done!"
"You could have told me you weren't in the mood," he said back to me.
"I was trying to be nice about it."
"When are you moving out?" I had a feeling he knew, but this was confirmation... he did know. What was I supposed to say? I told him the truth.
"I dont know. I dont have anywhere to go right now." I started moping at my face with a dish towel at this point.
"My best friends son told me last night that he read your blog on Myspace and he said you were moving out. Do you know how embarassing that is to find out from his son?"
"You know, it wasn't a hidden blog. You could have read it any time you wanted to. You know the URL to my blog. You could have gone there if you had wished. In fact, the day you asked me to go ring shopping with you is up there right now. Maybe you should start with that one. It pretty much says you must be out of your fu@#ing mind! You were too oblivious and caught up in your own little world to notice anything going on in mine! You know, you scared the fu@# out of me when you asked me to dinner for tonight. I thought for sure you were going to ask me to marry you tonight. I dont know if you were or not, and honestly right now I dont really care to know. I just know that neither of us want or need that right now." I took a deep breath, calmed myself a bit, and tried again.
"I dont want to argue about this anymore. I'm not happy here, as I'm sure you know already. I cant keep doing this anymore."
"All I've tried to do is have a meaningful, loving, and honest relationship with you and all I get from you are lies."
THAT is when I grabbed my purse, walked out the door, and slammed it behind me. I got all the way to the car before I realized that I still had the dish towel and nocell phone. I had to go back in the house. I started my car, took a deep breath, and went back upstairs. I opened the door to find him bent over his computer in the usual position I find him in, hunched over like an old man. I threw the towel down, grabbed my phone, and headed back for the door.
"Here. Give this CD to your boss and tell her there's nothing on it." I snatched the CD out of his hand. "You have a few minutes. Cant we just talk for another minute?"
"No, I'm done."
I got to work 30 minutes early today. And that is where it stands.