Calling Them Out

August 6 2009

Xxxxx -

So... you put up the picture I took of you, huh? Nothing else? Nice. Didn't get rid of any old ones either? Hmmm....

You're going to have to come clean with yourself. You're not my Hubby as you often call yourself. It's time you correct that, especially if you have no intention of marrying me. You're married, Sweetheart, but not to me. I think if we don't correct this behavior, it will only serve to damage us eventually. You're still very much in love with your ex or you wouldn't have pictures of the two of you together on your profile. You didn't put up one single picture of us, and your camera held several. The stronger you hold on to your past, the more you will push me away. I am an incredibly strong person who has been hurt many times in the past. I'm almost 30 and it's time I get my life on track, but I'll be damned if I'm going to stay where I'm not wanted. If it's me you want, that's great. You need to start realizing it. But if it's not, just admit it to the both of us and we'll both be better off.

I'm very much hurt and feel I am justified in being so.

Your relationship status still says "complicated", but this time I agree. You need to figure out if I'm company to help you get over a broken heart or if there is something more serious going on here. I don't doubt you love me. In fact, I know you do. I just don't know if YOU realize you do.

Just think about it. Don't start erasing pictures and changing your profile quite yet. Just sit back and think about it for a while first. Think to yourself WHY you left things the way they were. Did you realize you never even mentioned me ANYWHERE in your updates? I don't exist to most of the people who are in contact with you.

If you feel that I have no reason to be hurt by any of this, think for a moment how you would feel if instead of pictures of you on my profile, I had Pete all over it and didn't mention you at all. Think if I were still commenting on his pictures about how "friggin' gorgeous" he looked in them. If I told you that I no longer wanted a relationship with him in any way and yet he was on my friends list so that I could keep up with what he was doing and who he was seeing, what would you think of me? Would you think I was obsessed with him? Would you think I was still in love with him? Or would you think I really didn't care about him anymore and it was all just a coincidence that I put up a nice picture YOU had taken of me but failed to make it look like we were in a relationship, or that I even knew you?

If you're embarrassed to have people outside of the immediate few know you are with me, then I'm sure we can work something out. Just have the guts to tell yourself.

Think about it. Do me a favor, if I'm way off base, and you think I couldn't be more wrong, then ignore this. I would most likely think you were still lying to yourself anyway, so I'd rather not hear it. The truth is, I'm hurt and I've always been better at communicating my emotions through writing. I'm a writer, it's what I do. I'm not likely to be UNhurt if you told me I am wrong. However, if you think it all over and can understand why I would be hurt, don't bother explaining or justifying yourself to me with an excuse or two. That would likely hurt just as bad. The truth is, I don't want to hear it unless you're coming clean with yourself.

I've decided that if it hurts me this badly to want to see what pictures of you I can steal for my phone so I can show you off more, I just shouldn't look at pictures of you anymore. So, I'm going to erase having you as a friend because I don't want to see. Your profile is protected. Even if I wanted to see I wouldn't be able to. So as soon as I send this message, I'll take you off of my contacts list.

NONE of this email was written in anger, though I will admit I was angry at first. I cried and screamed into a pillow like Lilo (it actually does help) and cried some more, paced back and forth, cried a bit more, and finally took a few deep breaths. I'm hurt, very much hurt, but you deserve to know why.

I wanted you to check your messages while you were at work so that there was no awkward moment between us as you search for what to say. Often things are best said or done when plenty of time has passed for thinking.

You said the other day that "if nothing else", I at least got back to California and can stay with you and have a roof over my head until I'm able to take care of myself. "God forbid" you said, that I should leave then. That stuck in my mind. DO you want me to stay? Did it ever dawn on you that maybe I didn't want to come back to California to make it on my own?

I'm going to be brutally honest.

I love you. I don't want to be here without you. YOU are the reason I came back to the place that nearly handed me the final blow in life. I have a lot of pain here, but I have a lot of good memories too. I didn't care about the past. I wanted to be with YOU. If you'd rather not be with me, then I'm lost. I have no home. I have no hope. I can't even go back to Utah. I can't go back.

God put me in your arms and told you to take care of me, you said. I want NOTHING from you but love, but somehow I wonder if you can give that right now. Your heart belongs to someone else. I'm not a jealous woman, but I'm increasingly jealous of her. It's not because of the rings, or because she is married to you, or any other reason like that. It's not paper or material. It's emotional. I'm ONLY jealous of her because she has your heart. She has your whole heart and you miss her. I'm good company, I know. You wont be bored with me. But you wont be mine. You wont let yourself.

When you feel it's time to let go of the past, you'll have a greatly liberating feeling like you felt the last time you pulled away from the storage unit. I only hope I'm still around. Then again, I'm leaving that up to you. It's your call. It's your heart and your life. You can heal it or leave it broken. You deserve a good life. When you start to realize that, you'll have a freedom like you have never known.

Amanda.

NO ROOM FOR REGRETS. Regrets are for those who wish they could change the past. Since that's not possible, why spend even a moment of effort on wishing we could? There are to many more things filling my time. I don't have the time for regrets. Besides, everything someone else might want to change are all things that molded me into who I am... and I like who I am. I'm full of character, life, happiness, energy and LOVE. I have NO ROOM FOR REGRETS.

Stop regretting your life. You deserve better than that.