I lay in bed wide awake far longer than usual this morning. My head and stomach were doing the same number of revolutions inside me per second and I knew there was no way I was going to get back to sleep.I'm a bad person. I've been a bad person for a long time. I pretend to want to tell the whole world who I am with my blogged emotions and whimsical stories - but if anyone were to ever go through my life as it pertains to the internet, if they were to go through old emails and messages, they would only find a sad, horrible, cold and heartless person with no sense of self worth or courage. Don't get me wrong, I'm very good at pretending like I do. I learned that trick early on. After all, with everything I went through all these years, I either adapt to be a peacock or an ostrich. I didn't relish the idea of having sand in my mouth, so instead I decided to make myself bigger and more colorful so maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be attacked anymore. It was all a vain atempt at self-preservation I'm afraid.
To look at me walking down the street, you would probably think I was just an average person. I probably work and eat and sleep and think like all the other average people on the planet. Well let me tell you that is far from true. It's no wonder I've never liked a single photo of my face. If any of them ever did show who I really was inside, the photo would be black with hurt and rage and emptiness for the things people have done to me in the past. I thought for a while that it would make me feel better to do the same thing to others - get a bit of my own back - but in the end all it did was serve to destroy me further. What I did to others actually destroyed me more than what anyone else ever did to me. My self-preservation became self-destruction.
I'm not a good person. I really don't know if I ever have been. I wish I were. I wish i could change things. I have always said there isn't enough time in life for regrets, but that was yet another form of self-preservation. If I ever sat down long enough to think about all the horrible things I've done in my life I would undoubtedly regret my entire existance, starting at around age 4 or so.
I have only a small number of blogs to write before this project is finally finished, and when I started this project it was with the goal in mind that I was going to finish something for once in my life. I will finish this blog, and I'm sure the last few stories will be the whimsical tales you've come to enjoy reading, but once the blog project is done, so am I.
..."When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."...
ReplyDeleteYes, the past can hurt but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it. Every new day is another chance to change your life, Every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around.
The key to change is to let go of the past once, for all and forever and focus on what you have now, not dreams of what you COULD have had in the past.
R x
I have been reading all of your blogs since I inadvertantly ran across them awhile back. I noticed the date of this one as March 2011, almost one year ago. You seem to be at a much happier place in life now than then, I certainly hope so.
ReplyDeleteYou have been willing to admit to things that most people have done and/or thought about but most aren't willing to admit. I don't care what anyone says, we all have a dark side to our personalities. We have all done things we aren't proud of and things we regret. Most of us hide those things, keeping them to ourselves hoping never to be found out.
At the time you wrote this particular blog, you were being way too hard on yourself. No doubt some of those mistakes were made while you were maturing and growing into what you would become later.
There aren't any perfect people in this world, some just hide it better than others. How would we ever learn and grow as people if we never made mistakes? God is always willing to forgive us when we fail or fall short in being who we should be. It is often we who have trouble forgiving ourselves.
As you said in your last paragraph, the key to change is letting go of the past once and for all.......forever!
You are a sweet person Amanda, with a generous loving heart. Many who have had to endure the things you have would have become bitter angry people. But no matter how many times you have been knocked down and hurt you have chosen to get yourself back up, wear a happy smile and keep trying again. More people care and love you even more than you realize.
Just in case there are those who have made the assumption that I am a man, I am not. I am a woman, a much older woman with a tender place in my heart for young people who have endured confusion, pain and suffering. If we lose compassion for others, we are of little use in this world.