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Reply to the Dream

I finally grew the courage to respond to Robert's email to me. It wasn't until the next day that I attempted it, and the click of a wrong button erased everything I had poured onto the screen in front of me. I tried again but the words didn't come as fluidly. I struggled and fought, not sure what to say. Finally, I had my message drafted up and was ready to send. I read my own writing no less than a dozen times to make sure it had the right effect and that it wasn't disappointing in any way - and then I hit send.

"We've had many chances to see this through, Robert. We've tried quite seriously twice to see things through. Twice we failed.

"Somehow you miraculously keep showing up in my life. Each time you do, each time I see your face pop up in my life, my stomach does a flip for joy.

"I admit I had this lengthy email written to you that ultimately was erased when I accidentally hit a wrong button and everything vanished. Now, starting over from scratch, trying to duplicate what I originally said, I lack the words. The first time came truly from the heart and this time, though from the heart, has been a failed attempt at finding the same words in the same order. It's like trying to duplicate a poem written in the mind on paper only 20 minutes later. It always sounds better the first time around.

"Let me try again...

"I'm very glad [your daughter] has her bear still. I can't believe how big she's grown. She's beautiful! That gorgeous hair, those large, expressive eyes - she looks so much like you.

"Robert, not a day or an hour goes by that I don't think about you. You've been in my thoughts for these past 6 years and I can't deny that. The truth is that I always have loved you and I always will. At the same time, loving someone is different from being IN LOVE with someone.

"It's not 4am here and I've not had a couple of beers, but I want to squash all doubts in your mind now by telling you that as well as loving you, I have been and will always be in love with you as well. I've never forgotten those late nights, talking on Skype, you keeping me company and falling asleep listening to your voice, struggling to understand your beautiful accent.

"I've missed you, Robert. Twice now we've tried, and twice we've failed. This may be a "do or die" attempt for us, so I'm going to do everything in my power to come this time around. I'll fly to Scotland in late August, early September to be with you. I will only get a week long Holiday, so it will be a short visit I'm afraid. Still, a week should be long enough to tell us if we have what it takes to make it the long haul.

"I used to lie awake at night, thinking about you, wondering what you were doing and hoping you were thinking about me, too. I've never forgotten about you.

"We'll make it happen this time. Third time is the charm, right? Well, then let's make the best of it. I love you."


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