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Chasing the Dream

In the year 2006 when Robert and I reconnected, in many ways it was as if we had never lost contact in the first place. We chatted on Skype often, but again I had trouble understanding him occasionally. Our longest conversation took place in my little tiny room there in Gardena CA over our computers. With an 8 hour time difference, a 7 hour conversation seems nearly impossible. Neither of us got much sleep. He stayed up until 6am talking to me one weekend, which was only 10pm my time.

I was having a hard time making ends meet at that point in time. I had a good job, but California is expensive to live in. While cutting out all luxury items like cable tv and new clothes, I still struggled to buy food items. I lost a lot of weight and once more found myself down to my modeling weight - a number I hadn't seen in nearly two years.

We talked nearly daily with weekend conversations spanning several hours. Gardena hasn't been a great part of town in a long time - one night while we were talking he could over hear a shooting going on in the apartments not far away. Police sirens responded within a short time and he was genuinely afraid for me. It wasn't easy sleeping that night.

We talked about his family and his daughter, then six years old. I had seen photos of her when she was only four and marveled at how much she had grown up. She was a beautiful young lady even at six. I wanted more than anything to watch her grow up, and not through photos. Still, I didn't see any possible way of that happening.

Robert mentioned that he would like to come visit me in California. At first I was all for the idea. Even from 6,000 miles away I knew he was a wonderful person - the likes of which I'd never find anywhere else on the planet. He was completely understanding and forgiving of what I had done, and when I needed it most he was there for me. He was everything I ever needed and wanted... but he was 6,000 miles away in another country.

I was embarassed by how and where I was living and I didn't have any vacation time at work. Gardena got very hot in the summer, over triple didgits usually, and I didn't have an air conditioner. At the time, I didn't even have a bed - just a pile of blankets on a carpeted floor. I couldn't bare for him to see the squalor in which I lived, in the area of town I called home then. I wanted desperately to move and to get a nicer place, so after more than a year off, I went back to modeling. Unfortunately it didn't supliment my income enough to make any real changes - except being able to afford food.

While out driving my convertible one day enjoying the nice weather, a complete stranger suddenly swooped into my life and once more I was carried away. I never stopped thinking about Robert, but I stopped talking to him. I really couldn't imagine any kind of an outcome to what we were going through the middle of - a 6,000 mile long distance romance. What possibility was there? California was my home. Scotland was his. Neither of us could imagine leaving our homes. We had been at an impass.

I ended up loosing contact with him for another several years - this time for even longer.


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