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Need a New Friend

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.

I mean, when he's not at work, he's with me - and I'm usually trying to get as close to him as possible because I miss him all day. I have to learn to leave him alone sometime before I drive him away. I need to remember that - go in the other room and read or something, no matter how badly I missed him. I need to make the sacrifice. Lord knows he's made sacrifices for me.

I cant stand TV anymore. Reality shows are driving me crazy. That Idol show gets news coverage about every time it's on the air... mainly because the main guy is a complete jerk, and the washed up Pop singer sounds a little bitter. The Disney shows are talking about teen girls being jealous of Tomb Raiders "Double D Body" in shows that are supposed to be appropriate for 5 year olds. I don't want my 6 year old talking like that!!! Adult TV shows are filled with vulgarity instead of intelligent conversation, and bullets, blood, and bodies rather than anything of substance.

I dont have any friends other than Pete. I run alone. I work out alone. I shop alone. When Pete works, I live alone. I have no company, night or day. There's no dog to warn me of strangers, there's no cat to curl up on my lap. It's no wonder I want so badly to be near Pete when he gets home.

What happened to me? I used to be such a people-person. I don't answer my phone anymore unless it's Pete or my parents. I walk past people on the street and look down at my feet rather than smile at them like I once did. I dont smile at strangers anymore, and I never entertain the complaints of the person behind me in line at the department store. At one time I took it as a personal challenge to make someone smile if they weren't already. I did that everywhere I went. Where am I now? Am I so engrossed in my life with Pete that I dont even see the outside world anymore? What could I possibly be concentrating so hard on?

Pete will be home in about an hour... and I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll just go to bed. Then he'll have some alone time. Would that be better for him? Am I smothering him? Maybe I should just ask him.

(Written in the summer of 2006)

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